Cancer: Watch out for BYOS and those coins. Your mates are getting craftier. Time to level up, bitch.

In honour of the alcohol issue, Massive decided to create an exclusive Massey-themed cocktail.

I was having a bad week, okay, so I was cry-masturbating pretty much all the time. Like honestly, just all the time.

There tends to be a lot of discourse about student drinking culture. At Massive, we hear all sides of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Especially from those who claim we are perpetuating it.

Currently, everyone at uni seems to have their unique sense of style. Sure, there’s definitely Tik Tok influences lurking around, from Y2K to Cottagecore, but genuinely, every person seems to be doing their own thang.

I have a decent handful of male friends. So, I thought to myself, why the fuck aren’t I dating any of them? I decided to message them to find out. Yes, really.

I have been told multiple times that I’m a walking red flag.... and this story definitely makes me seem like one.

I know you think that fun patterned socks make you seem cool. I know you THINK that, anyway, but listen here buddy....

Accessory of the week: Docs.

…oh shit. I just realised I don’t have any of the veggies :o

Truth be told, I really thought that people who did speed dating must be awkward losers like me, but these people, well, seemed normal. Some even cute!

Simplicity is key - this phrase has embodied itself in this doughy goodness that has lined the pukus of New Zealanders for centuries. Fry bread (commonly mistaken for fried bread) likens to that dodgy BYO you reluctantly go to every weekend - it looks suspicious but always tastes so fucking good.

Pisces: I think you look nice in hats. Wear more fun hats.

Everyone wants him, but he picked me. Yeah, the alpha sheep. The hot one, with the horns.

Blood. There was blood everywhere. And I mean literally everywhere. On the sheets, pillows, even on the fucking carpet.

Spinster woman seeks desperate man

Personally, cooking is one of the true wonders of my life. A bit of fried fish with lemon, what could compare? Cold pizza on the morning of an eye-gorging hangover, my true one love. But it’s not always a walk in the park.

I was a young 16-year-old girl wearing my kmart boutique jumpsuit and my leather converse school shoes, it was going to be a fabulous night.

Aquarius: In a fit of munchies, you’ll make a bizarre but wonderful meal this week. Make sure to take a picture of it, this is a dish you don’t want to forget.

Another week, another chance for me to humiliate myself in the pursuit of a boyfriend.