If you feel uncomfortable with our last cover, think about why. Re-examine your internalised (or not-so-internal) sexism. Free the fucking nip, it’s 2021. Free the pubic hair. Free it all.

Taurus: Arrange a date this week. It’s time to put yourself out there, for better or for worse. Probably for worse, let’s face it.  

You know the drill, wake up, make a shitty instant coffee, sink a cone and debate whether or not it’s worth coming into uni when suddenly… FUCK the landlord just texted reminding you of your flat inspection today, and it’s a wreck.

Mix up your question with some names, from “What do you want to do now, baby?” to a “Do you want to fuck me, daddy?” or even a “I want you to ruin me till I’m shaking with every inch, master”

Stop watching so much porn, seriously. It’s not healthy. We’re worried about you.

I have a guilty confession: I like to sleep naked, and somethings I leave skid marks.

Bananas are the bane of my existence. I always buy a bunch on my Monday arvo shop; thinking this will finally be the week I start making healthy detox smoothies.

This is my go-to recipe for impressing my friends. It’s simple, fuck, I mean it’s two-minute noodles, but it’s delicious and intriguingly, dare I say, fancy?

How do I tell my girlfriend that we had a threesome with the wrong friend??

Aquarius: If you’re still moaning about dropping out of uni, just do it already. You don’t have to be a student to read Massive magazine x

Tune your ears, listen up kids, and get ready for a brief rundown of how to get that stingy landlord in line.

I have a good sex story for you. I want everybody to listen up. This will teach you not to get fucked and have sex with a random.

Stop paying $20 for something so cheap and easy, I beg you.  

Whoever said pancakes are the poor man’s waffles… Fuck you.

Despite being in clear view of literally anyone and everyone, I could see that like a racing horse, him and his stallion was ready to go.

Okay kids, I can’t believe I have to make this but here goes… What follows is a comprehensive and somewhat patronising guide on how to stack your damn dishwasher correctly.