Ramming w/ Fergus: Getting freaky where you shouldn’t

Q. Fergie, my girlfriend keeps wanting to try sex in weird places — dressing rooms, bathroom stalls, flat parties. But I’m nervous we’ll get caught. How do you do it oh mighty sex god Fergus?! 

A. The answer is simple, you just need to change your mindset.  

You should get caught! 

Getting caught having sex where you shouldn’t makes it that much hotter. Like the time I snuck into my farmers house with this hot Hungarian cow with huge utters. I hoisted her (gently) on top of my farmer's dining table, and we banged so hard it gets me excited just thinking about it.  

But the best part was when our farmer walked in the door not expecting to see a ram and a cow having wild sex on his dining table.  

“NOT AGAIN FERGUS,” he screamed at me.  

It was hilarious, and the scandal of it all made me and Ms Hungarian so turned on.  

We trotted out of the house, giving the farmer a kiss on the cheek on the way out, and then we continued our love making in his garage.  

We may have left an ass shaped dent in his Toyota Hilux, and for that I am sorry. Never mess with a man’s ute. Just have sex on his dining table.