At Massey’s Wellington campus, your outfit becomes your identity. The more out-there you dress, the more aura you have. A carabiner on your jorts is a signifier of your cool factor. The higher your platform docs, the higher your popularity. DIY clothes? Slay. Among the sea of jorts, layered skirts, vintage shirts, funky hats, and thrifted bags, I’m the token basic bitch. If you searched ‘cartoon primary school teacher’ on Google Images, you’d find me.

So, in an effort to make myself cooler, I call on the fashion-forward Massive team to design my outfits for a week. Scared but hopeful, I wondered… would I discover a brand new me?

Monday

‘Frat Boy-Esque’ by Olive

Decked out in Dickies jorts, a green tank, backwards cap and Nike dunk dupes, I step onto campus feeling strangely masculine. My biceps are out, a carabiner is clipped to my shorts, and I’m wearing “an awkward amount of rings” — all non-negotiables according to Olive.

My bag? A fanny pack worn cross-body. Inside, I was instructed to carry chapstick, AirPods, and a can of Lynx deodorant. Seeing as I don’t own any of these things, I settled for my MCoBeauty perfume and a tub of Vaseline.

You know that feeling when you wear something you’ve never worn, and you think everyone will notice? That’s what I expect. However, students just don’t seem to care. The only people who notice my new look are people who already know me. My editor Sammy and designer Luka did a double take as I find them in the cafe. I can tell they’re impressed and secretly attracted. Luka tells me I have to start saying “hey mama” to complete the vibe. But when I say it to my boyfriend later on, he isn’t very enthused.

Tuesday

‘Skater Girl’ by Lee

Back in the jorts, I roll onto campus in high-top Docs, a pink tee layered over a green long sleeve, a chunky beaded belt, and — most importantly — a skateboard.

The best thing about this outfit? The skateboard. The worst thing about this outfit? The skateboard. For a brief, shining moment, I feel powerful. The skateboard gives the impression of, “I’m cool. I’m rebellious. I listen to underground bands.” Students watch me strut by, probably wondering where I get my swag from.

It was then I trip and faceplant on the stairs in front of a group of stinky first years. The illusion shatters like my dignity. Suddenly, my skateboard transitions from an accessory to a liability.

Disturbingly, I begin getting the urge to griddy whenever I feel mildly pleased. This is when my skater girl era comes to a quick end.

Wednesday

‘Layered Viking’ by Tara

Without a doubt, Tara’s outfit is the most restrictive outfit I’ve ever worn. Two skirts over the top of corduroy pants. A red long sleeve. 5-inch heeled boots. A chunky belt. And — because why not — a Viking helmet from the Massive office.

While I intend to walk to campus, I realise my stride has been reduced to a dainty 15 centimetres. Opting to drive instead, the Viking helmet keeps falling over my eyes – now making me a road hazard too. The helmet is a bold choice and isn’t one I will be adopting in my everyday wardrobe. Especially after the looks I’ve been getting at campus.

I adopt a penguin style walk to deal with the restrictions. But it all goes out the window when I go upstairs. I take a tumble and rip a hole in the ass of my brand-new corduroys. Lying there on the stairs, I look up to the heavens and apologise to my Viking forefathers who are probably watching on with shame. Students meander themselves around my defeated body, pretending that I’m not even lying here.

I guess if I can’t take a full step in a fit, maybe I shouldn’t wear it. Also, students suck.

Thursday

‘Fergus Fangirl’ by Luka

I know Luka thinks he got me good with this outfit, but looking at my reflection, I look hot as fuck. Stubbies, sparkly fishnets, heeled boots, a crochet shrug, my fav furry hat, and Luka’s iconic ‘Thot Son’ tank. It’s a love letter to mascot Fergus the Ram. And frankly? I love it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I look fab in stubbies.

Walking through campus, friends refuse to walk with me, and students are averting their eyes. I tell myself what my mother would say: “People are just jealous of you.”

But the affirmations shatter when I walk past the library and a student says, “Is that outfit serious?” Duh.

Stubbies might be trendy on the Palmy campus, but they aren’t in Welly.

Friday

‘Milkmaid’ by Sammy

Here ye! Here ye! I present to you the Maid of Massey.

Dressed now in a vaguely historically accurate maid costume from her personal collection (?), I’m now a walking, talking political statement. According to Sammy, I am here to expose how students are mere peasants to the university elite.

To the chancellors: I challenge thee to a duel. On horseback. At dawn.

Unfortunately, I don’t think students understand my political movement. Instead of rounds of applause, I’m getting odd looks, side eyes, and whispers behind my back. But as ridiculous as I look, the bloomers are really comfy. So… a win?

While I’ll never wear this again, if Massey ever puts on a production of Les Mis, I’m ready.

_____________

As my week of letting the Massive team dress me comes to an end, I won’t lie — I am relieved. It was fun stepping into different versions of myself, but I found myself missing the quiet comfort of outfits which don’t involve Viking helmets or bloomers.

Massey students love a fashionable fit, but I fear they could tell I was an imposter. From the judgy side eye to rude comments, it was hard to own my shit. I give props to the students wearing skirts over jeans, and dying their hair bright pink. The real ones know the side-eye is temporary, and the fit is forever.

While I might not have discovered a brand-new me, I came away appreciating the ‘me’ I had already created. She might be Massey’s token basic bitch crossed, but she feels like home. And I cannot wait to see her again next week.

Basic Bitch Lets the Massive Staff Draw Her Campus Outfits for a Week