Ramming with Fergus: Food kink

Q. This new guy I'm hooking up has a food kink. I'm embarrassed to even eat in front of him! How do I get sexy with food? 

A good, meaty question for me to sink my teeth into. Have you seen the sheer amount of dick-shaped foods? It’s summer! Grab an ice block from the dairy and make direct eye contact with this guy while you’re sucking it. Cyclone, Calippo, or maybe a Magnum if you’re feeling brave. Deepthroat the thing. Lean in a little, show off your skills, and suck!  

But beware. Suck on dick shaped foods –– but don’t bite them! You don’t want to scare him off. At your next sausage sizzle, turn away or cover your mouth when you take a bite. I once had a sheep think my dick was a massive daisy and try to take a bite. The girl almost DIY circumcised me. Maybe he’d be into that, but I’m not looking to get my dick chomped. 

Another good tactic would be to beat some meat. Buy a juicy steak and go hard in the kitchen. He’ll get the idea. Later you can take that meat beating to the bedroom.  

Food and sex are easy to bring together. Make spaghetti (or get takeaways if you can’t be fucked wasting time cooking instead of getting fucked) and slurp it off his body. There’s a reason Cardi B name-dropped macaroni in a pot. Take advantage of the sound, and lick your lips to get rid of the extra sauce. 

Another good one is feeding each other. I mean, the Greeks had the whole feeding-each-other-grapes thing down to a T, and we all know how horny those fuckers were. Look at Zeus. But don’t follow his example. If this dude you’re hooking up with turns out to be your cousin, walk the other way. Don’t be like Zeus. Be like me instead. My dick game is so much stronger than his, and I’d give you the pounding of your life instead of turning you into a cow.