Māori Mythical Creatures Are So Fucking Scary

From pale skinned forest creatures that kidnap children, to a hybrid human-goat creature that magically appears in your backseat, Maori myths have it all.  

But as scary as Māori myths are, they also tell an important story of respecting the whenua and all those who we share it with. Remember to be careful and always give these kaitiaki (guardians) the respect they deserve.  

I’ve sacrificed my ability to sleep to make this list of some of our scariest creatures.  

Moehau man — Aotearoa's Bigfoot  

Art / Tara Griz

I used to think that the closest thing New Zealand has to Bigfoot was Sassy the Sasquatch. Unfortunately, these haunting creatures will not offer you a joint as Sassy would. Covered in dark hair, with long, sharp nails, and hauntingly vacant eyes — you don’t want to find yourself alone with one of these guys. Reports of two metre tall, ape-like creatures began circulating in the 1870’s and have since become legendary myths. 

A particularly haunting tale of the Moehau is that of Tukoio, a legendary chief from Wanganui who fought a Moehau and defeated it, cutting off its limbs until only its head remained. Tukoio proudly limped back to his village with the head of the Moehau in hand, as a show of victory.   

During his journey back, the decapitated head started screaming for help. Scared that the Moehau’s cries would draw its clanmates to him, Tukoio dropped the head and fled to the safety of his village. Later, upon his return to where he dropped the head, it was gone. It’s believed that the Moehau reassembled itself and slunk back into the forest, awaiting its next victim.   

Kurangaituku — the bird woman  

The next time you’re out in the bush and see a tui giving you the side eye, make sure not to get too close. While we love our native birds, the story of Hatupatu and Kurangaituku makes me nervous to trust anything with feathers.   

The Rotorua myth goes like this. Hatupatu was hunting birds in the forest encountered Kurangaituku -- a strange woman with winged arms and clawed hands, and a long, sharp beak for a mouth. Personally, if I were hunting and then encountered a fucking bird-woman I would run away, but Hatupatu is braver than me.

Upon throwing his spear at a nearby bird, Hatupatu missed and struck her.  

Kurangaituku then chased and captured him, taking him back to her cave filled with treasures such as taiaha (a wooden weapon) and korowai (feathered cloaks). Eventually, the bird woman goes hunting and Hatupatu uses it as a chance to escape. But not without stealing the treasures from her cave, leaving it bare upon Kurangaituku’s return.  

Spotting him, she chased after him outraged. But Hatupatu led her through the hot pools of Rotorua, where she was said to have drowned.  

Not gonna lie, slightly ruins the hot pools for me.  

Tarapikau — the goatman  

You’re driving down the Desert Road, when out of the corner of your eye, you see a large figure. You know you shouldn’t trust hitchhikers, but something tells you to pull over anyway. The figure climbs silently into your backseat, carrying a foul stench you almost choke on. Continuing down the road, you ask him where he’s going, to which he only huffs in response.   

You go to look at him in your rearview mirror — but he’s gone. All that’s left of him is a bad smell, a feeling of unease, and hoofprints on the backseat.   

Creepy encounters like this have been reportedly experienced across the North Island at the hands of  the Tarapikau or the goatman. The Manaiapoto iwi believes that the goatman is one of two twins, one a kaitiaki (guardian) for good, and one for evil.   

There are no myths entailing the creature to cause harm, simply spooking people with its creepy appearance. However, it’s believed that if you do not stop to offer the goatman a ride, something bad will happen. Kind of reminds me of that one cheap friend who’s always begging for a car ride. 

The next time you see a strange looking hitchhiker, think carefully about offering them a ride. If it ends up being the goatman, you’ll need to buy a new Sexwax air freshener.  

Patupaiarehe — kidnapping fairies 

Have you ever been walking through the bush when you suddenly hear the sound of music? No, it’s not Julie Andrews — it's creepy fairies. Luring you in with their hauntingly sweet waiata, these pale-skinned fairy folk are not to be messed with. They live in the mist within the deepest, darkest parts of the forest, and are hostile to any intruders on their land.  

There are stories of children being abducted, raised by the Patupaiarehe, and then returned to civilisation. 

They are also said to be the reason Māori learnt to net for fishing.  

Myths say that chief Kahukura, while travelling north, spent a night sleeping in the sand dunes of a empty beach. But he was awoken by voices and laughter. On the beach were a group of patupaiarehe catching lots of fish in a net of woven flax.  

While Kahukura was scared, he wanted to know how the net was made. Being short and fair like the fairies, he blended in with them until dawn, helping them thread the gutted fish onto lines. The fairies fled as the sun rose, leaving their net of fish to the chief.  

Since then, stories of chilling sightings have roamed. And whilst these beings are not known to be inherently evil, Māori believe they must be treated with respect, as they can become dangerous if threatened.  

Who knows, maybe that manic pixie-dream girl in your life was secretly raised by these fairies.  

Taniwha — Aotearoa’s Loch Ness Monster 

Whāngaimokopuna was a taniwha that went from pet to enemy real quick. He lived in the Manawatū river, and was fed by the locals, who spoilt him with the nicest parts of eels. One day, the adults let the children feed the taniwha instead, which led to them feeding him only the eels’ heads. In retaliation, Whāngaimokopuna ate one of the children, and was then banished upstream.  

I feel like letting children feed a giant water monster was maybe not the smartest move from the locals. This one’s on them. 

Being one of Aotearoa’s most well-known mythical creatures, Taniwha are simultaneously feared and respected. These water dwelling creatures are sometimes depicted as kaitiaki, well-intending guardians of the land, whereas other stories speak of vicious monsters which kill humans in malice.   

Different taniwha are associated with different iwi and bodies of water across Aotearoa, each one with their own story. Across all mythology, it is believed that the revered creatures demand respect and following of tapu rituals.  

Sometimes, that comes down to being careful not to feed them the yucky parts of eels.