Sexcapades: He’s got 99 problems and rhythm is one

A couple years back, I started dating this guy who should have been perfect for me. Tall, fit, funny, smart, and doing way too well for a broke uni student. He was exactly what I SHOULD have wanted in a guy.  

But... the sex was terrible.  

Every time we tried, he had the most god-awful rhythm. It was like he was fucking me to the beat of fucking Gummy Bear or some shit. I’d try to slow things down but after a few minutes it would go back to random thrusts and awkward pulses.  

But I was desperate for it to work (embarrassing now, I know). So, I sat him down and asked if we could work on it. I was so eager to find a way through, that I started saying aloud even counts of how I wanted it to be, tapping on the fuckin table, “1... 2... 1... 2.”  

All he did? Tilt his head and nod like he knew what I meant. HE DIDN’T!!!  

As a final resort, I started playing a fuckin odometer during sex to give him something to match. But it really was not the mood.  

Bad sex is a deal breaker for me, but I hope he’s found his rhythm.