Massive's Unofficial Sex Etiquette for University Halls
Art / Olive Bartlett-Mowat
From moans and groans, shaking your neighbour's paper-thin walls, to dry humping on the communal couches — university halls house hundreds of sexual firsts, fantasies and regrets.
But how should students navigate this? And what should incoming students expect before purchasing their shower shoes? Not to worry, Massive has got you covered with this unofficial guide to getting your freak on in Massey halls.
Thou shall respect thy thin walls
The first thing to remember is your walls are basically paper. Before getting groovy with the hottie from down the corridor, remember that your next-door neighbour is basically in the same bed as your huffing and puffing. If you're not watching your volume, you might as well just invite your neighbour to join you at this rate.
My advice? Keep your sexy moans on the downlow. People love a gossip, and if you’re not careful, the entire hall will quickly learn you get off on princess-stable-boy roleplay.
As for innocent bystanders (neighbours), invest in a good pair of earplugs, headphones, or even a speaker. Blasting music can drown out the unwanted noises, or even attempt to ruin their horny mood. Try playing wholesome songs that mention grandparents. Works like a charm.
Thou shall not sin in communal areas
Welcome to your hall! No, the common room couch isn’t for cowgirl. The tables in the dining hall are for tea, not teabagging. The kitchen bench is for nachos, assignments, and late-night existential crises — not thrusting.
The showers? Well, that’s still up for debate. At least lock the door.
All in all, keep the missionary to your mattress and doggy for your desk. A general rule of thumb? If you wouldn’t comfortably pick your nose there, don’t flick your prick or glean your bean.
Thou shall bin the condom
Condoms go in the bin, not the toilet. The plumbing at Massey is already fighting for its life against the two-ply, tampons and Friday night vom-sessions. Don’t add your cummy condoms to the battle.
But just putting it in the bin is not enough. You’ve got to double bag the evidence. Have you been trying to make new friends in the halls? Well, nothing will kill that budding friendship more than your mate finding your condom when they are just trying to throw away a finished toilet roll.
You’ve wrapped it up for sex, so wrap it up after too.
Thou shall not let thy guest become a permanent resident
A one-night stand? Cute. A three-week residency? Concerning. At some point, your ‘visitor’ starts edging dangerously close to squatter’s rights. Once they’re showering without asking, raiding the communal pantry, and dropping deuces in your ensuite like they pay rent, you’ve crossed the line.
At this stage, you have two choices: slap an official label on it or send them away before someone mistakes them for a paying resident.
Nothing says romance like explaining to your RA why your partner has been here longer than your actual roommate.
Thou shall not overshare to the RA
Yes, your RA probably loves a bit of gossip, but there’s a fine line between modest tea and wild over sharing. They signed up for free board and the occasional noise complaint -- not to debrief your new fuck buddy’s visit.
In a real crisis situation, they are there to help. But by crisis I don’t mean when the chocolate lube you tried tasted bad.
The RA duty desk is not a confessional booth. They might be a year older than you and in half your classes, but they are not your friend like that.
Thou shall knock first
For real — this is just common sense. If you don’t want to catch your flatmate in the act, embarrassing you both, knock first! People moved out of home for a reason, so they don’t want to relive the horror of having parents barge in.
You really don’t want the image of your flatmate’s orgasm face burned into your retinas forever. No amount of tequila shots will erase it. Friendships don’t come back from ejaculation eye contact.
Anything you have to say can wait 20 minutes till the sex is over.
Thou shall own the walk of shame
The moment you step out of your room, everyone knows. Your bed hair is a megaphone, your smudged eyeliner a neon sign, and honestly? They probably heard you going at it all night.
Pretending you just went for a walk at 7am isn’t fooling anyone — not when you’re clutching one shoe and your pants are inside out.
The trick? Confidence. Pull on your hoodie, slip into your shower shoes, and strut like the corridor is your personal catwalk. Head high, pace steady, acting unbothered. The only thing worse than the walk of shame is pretending it’s not happening. Bonus points if you toss out star ratings to your audience: “7/10, would smash again.”
Thou shall get consent
Most importantly, get clear, enthusiastic consent before the fun begins, and throughout. Ask and listen. Be clear about what’s okay for you, and understand what’s okay for your bed buddy. People can't consent to sex if they are too drunk or high on drugs, or being pressured. Consent can sound like: “Yes!”, “I really want to...”, “This feels great!”, “I want you/this/that”, “Can we do more of that?”, and “This feels right”. Consent needs to be a part of every sexual experience.
If things aren’t all peaches and cream, you can find support here:
Manawatū campus Student Health and Counselling: studenthealth.manawatu@massey.ac.nz | +64 6 350 5533
Auckland campus Student Health and Counselling:
studenthealth.auckland@massey.ac.nz | +64 9 213 6700
Wellington campus Student Health and Counselling:
studenthealth.wellington@massey.ac.nz | +64 4 979 3030
Safe to Talk sexual harm helpline:
0800 044 334
In an odd, awkward, or downright bizarre situation? Check out Chat the Weird Out