Sexcapade: Two guys, 10 toes, one night

I was going through a breakup after being with my ex for four years. I moved in with my Dad in the Hutt, and immediately downloaded Tinder for the first time.  

The first guy I matched with was this lowkey rat looking guy, but he had really cool style. He invited me to his house that was in the city. I was stupid enough to go even though I’d never meet him. I caught two buses and a train, which is embarrassing to say now. Plus, I got my period while on the bus.  

I went into his flat, and he had this really hot flatmate who way hotter than him. He was covered in tattoos and looked like he smoked a pack a day. It made me instantly regret showing up.  

In Tinder boy’s bedroom, his mattress was on the floor, with one disgusting flat pillow, and a thin duvet. We started making out on his bed, and he was a really bad kisser. But I was so nervous that I pulled away and said, “Wow you are a really good kisser.”  

We stopped kissing and he put on a show. This man made me watch six episodes of the TV show version of the kids’ movie Barnyard. Lowkey a banger but not after six episodes with bad company.  

I was so bored of watching the show that I decided to have sex with him. It was also past 11pm, and all the trains and buses were gone. So, my options were sleep there or on the street.  

He tried to go down on me, but I told him I was on my period. He paused and said, “I’ve never tried that before.”  

He lasted 10 seconds before saying, “I don’t like this I’m gonna stop.” He also had a prickly moustache so it kind of hurt.  

Then we started having sex, which was weird and awkward and bad. It went on for so long, like 40 minutes and I had gone numb.  

I made him stop and was like, “Are you all good?” He went really awkward and said, “Theres like one thing that I kinda need to finish but it's all good if you don’t want to... but I really like feet.”  

He asked me to give him a foot job. And the worst part is that I did it.  

He lasted five seconds.  

Then we lay in bed, and I realised I had bleed all over his bed. I apologised and offered to wash his sheets. He got confused and confessed, “I don’t know how to do that, I’ve never washed them before.” This man didn’t know that a duvet cover could come off a duvet.  

I genuinely considered calling my father to get me at this point. And I didn’t wanna lay there in my blood all night. So, when he fell asleep, I walked over to the other flatmates room and knocked on the door.  

He let me in, and we talked for a few hours. I really liked him, but also anything probably seemed good compared to what I just endured.  

We fucked on his floor so his flatmate didn’t hear. And it was glorious.  

I didn’t wanna deal with the drama in the morning, so I got up at 6am before either of them woke up to catch the first bus home. I blocked Tinder boy, and unfortunately never saw his flatmate again either. I’m sure they are still fighting over me to this day.