Aka who should earn over half a million big ones a year $$$

A month ago, Massey's vice chancellor Jan Thomas resigned from her role to become the next Pope.

She was last reported to earn $586,000 dollars annually, over $100,000 dollars more than the Prime Minister's salary. After eight years in the role, she's leaving with a year's notice.

A Massey University spokesperson says the recruitment process is underway for what they called a “global search”. No candidates are being seriously considered yet, and the Council is seeking feedback from staff on what they want to see in the next vice chancellor.

Jan's time as VC is a controversial one. There's been over 280 staff cuts under her reign, as well as over 500 course cuts. She's overseen the university transition to more and more online classes, leaving students calling Massey and ‘online university’.

But all those cuts have seen some financial improvement. In 2023, the university had a budget deficit of $40 million, however, 2024 had a $3.7 million surplus. This was despite the forecasted $30 million deficit.

And while Massey waves Jan off on her way to the Vatican, we at Massive have some ideas for her replacement...

Jojo Siwa

The vice chancellor needs to be someone who can withstand a lot of hate — and no one knows this better than Jojo Siwa. The 21-year-old has got a bad reputation as a serial dater, going through girlfriends faster than Massey goes through stream site crashes. But she is always able to bounce back fast and put on a brave (and bedazzled) face.

Would she have a messy break up with a diva from the senior leadership team? Probably. But when it comes to cuts, she'd be very selective about which staff to let go, only choosing people who have made fun of her receding hairline. Because Karmas a Bitch.

Lorde

Students very rarely spot Jan Thomas around campus, most of them wouldn't even know what she looks like. Sometimes she feels like a ghost, and Lorde is an expert at this ghost-like persona. She leaves us begging for more every few years, and then comes back with a few droppings to appease the masses.

As VC, she'd never show up to student forums, take interviews with the media, and might shush people when she gets really passionate about a song. She'd simply take over one of Welly's music studios as her office and hunch over a sound desk for eight years.

Considering all the Music school dropouts, they could probably use the visitors.

All Massey vending machines

They take your money, and leave you emptied handed. Fits the bill... enough said.

Nicola Willis

Down south at Otago University, good old Grant Robertson became their vice chancellor at the start of this year. And if one finance minister can become a uni overlord, then why can't another?

Just last week, Nicola announced National would be cutting $1 billion of the Government's operating allowance. So like Jan, we know she's good at cutting.

I’m sure that once Nicola finds out she’ll earn more as VC than the Prime Minister does, she’ll stop begging Luxon for his job. Soon enough we’ll be seeing an influx of pant suits around campus.

Margot Robbie

Jan, our Australian baddie will be gone next year — so we need another! Vice chancellor Barbie to the rescue.

Margot Robbie has range all vice chancellors could only ever aspire to. From a doll learning to be human, a disgraced ice skater, to a psycho pigtail wearing criminal, Margot Robbie can do it all.

Aiming to be charismatic with everyone she meets, Margot would use her acting skills to mirror people. Students and staff alike would be so distracted by her perfect face to notice any cuts she's making. She'd be so mesmerising, that staff being let go would say thank you.

Karen from Mean Girls

“It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when the stream sites about to crash.”

Karen from Mean Girls psychic abilities are just what Massey needs. Karen would proudly hold her tits while deciding what the university's next financial plan should be. She would impose a dress code on all campuses (even distance) requiring students and staff to wear pink on Wednesday. That's fetch.

Who should Massey's next Vice Chancellor be?