The Dilemma Doctor

Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.

Dear Doctor,

I’m not very good at conversation, but I can be incredibly suave online. Every time I spy someone smoking hot on Tinder I get the ball rolling, but once we meet in real life I never get past the movie part of the date before they lose interest. What am I doing wrong?

Raunchy Rory

God, it’s like watching the world’s best darts thrower playing with an inflatable target board. You obviously have a gift that many of us crave (asshole), and it’s such a shame to see that put to waste without it ending in Poundtown. If you want to lock and load, you have to up your date game a tad. Ditch the movie, it’s an outdated trope, and it’s boring as heck. There’s no interaction, and it’s rarely exciting, unless you’re in possession of a jar of ants. An interesting fact is that your date will associate whatever feeling she gets from the activity you’re doing with you. So if you choose the boring movie route, she’ll think you’re lame. That’s why you should take her somewhere exciting, like festivals, windsurfing, or bank robbing.

Dear Doctor,

There’s a girl I’ve been hooking up with, and one night we were flirting online, and I sent her a provocative photo. She enjoyed it, and later that week she came over to my place for the first time. I introduced her to my father, who promptly told her to leave. He then revealed to me that my phone is synced to my tablet, and presented me with said picture, questioning me sternly about the ownership of the manhood depicted. I don’t know how to fix this mess.

Hassled Harry

Girls like a little bit of Vitamin D, but from personal experience, one’s father can react very differently. You’ve got your pickle in a pickle my friend, but it’s not an uncommon mistake. In fact this whole scenario seems very familiar, maybe it was a Jimmy Kimmel sketch or something? Anyway the solution to your penal problem requires a little bit of delicacy. Obviously your dad is upset because your manhood is bigger than his, it’s obviously a dominant male thing. To soothe your dad’s nerves, simply tell him that you sent that girl a photo you found off the internet because you wanted to impress her and are ashamed of having minuscule meat. Your dad will feel secure again, and I guarantee he’ll drop the matter and move on faster than a kid with ADHD on his birthday.

Dear Doctor,

I’ve spent about four months here in Wellington neglecting a design course, I’ve made lots of friends, I’m dating a woman who works in the morgue, and most of all I’ve escaped the constant nagging, micromanaging, and awful embarrassment of my parents. I know it’s shitty, but I’ve been avoiding most of their Skype calls, telling them I’m too busy studying so I can go poison my body in peace. Anyway they’ve made the decision to come down to Wellington for a few days, and they’ve asked to meet my friends, look at my study, and most of all get to know my girlfriend. I’m telling you now, this will be a disaster. They are the lamest people in the world, and not only will they cramp my style, I’ll get so much shit for not studying hard. How do I stop them from relating my primary school toilet troubles to my new friends and adult girlfriend?

Troubled Tyrone

Wow Tyrone, you are one entitled brat. Nobody likes their parents pushing into their affairs, but take a moment to pull your sorry head out of your ass and think about what these people have done for you. Not only do they constantly check up on you to make sure their child is safe and happy, but they’re taking the time to come visit you, probably bring you food, and make sure you’re not wasting your Studylink loan. Come on man, that woman pushed you out of her goddamn vagina, the least you can do is take ten minutes out of your incredibly tight schedule to return her calls. And your daddy obviously cares about you because he bothered to stick around instead of leaving you in custody of your idiotic older brother with his stupid PhD, active sex life, and horrible sculpted jawline. My point is, your parents deserve a little respect, because without them you wouldn’t even be here. However, as much as it pains me, here’s a solution to your dilemma.

Fake your own death. Send a series of texts over the next few days stating you had a dull pain in the back of your head, and you’re not sure what it could be (I know, it sounds like an average Sunday morning). Then don’t contact them at all. Tell your friends that when your anxious parents turn up, to say that they haven’t seen you in days, and that you were last seen outside Southern Cross, staring blankly through the window. Leave your room unlocked, with stacks of notes (not yours obviously, find them off the web) strewn everywhere, and your Mac open with the words “what is an aneurysm?” typed into the search bar. Next thing, you need to hire two actors (or one with two disguises). You will place one actor at southern cross, who will pose as a student and by random chance bump into your parents. The actor will then go on to tell them that he saw you the other day, and they had a nice chat about how to study effectively, before showing him a photo of your parents on his phone, followed by a comment about ‘not feeling right in the head’ and ‘going to Wellington Regional Hospital’. The other actor will come in later, but right now, this is where your girlfriend comes into play. While morgue staff make for freaky good sex, they are also fantastic at convincing people their loved ones are deceased. Strip down, take a Valium, and hop into a body bag. When your parents ask for you at the hospital, they will send for your girlfriend who will explain to them that you came to visit her at work and spontaneously died of an aneurysm. Aneurysms can happen to anyone, anywhere, without warning, and leave practically no indication as to cause of death and that’s what makes this plan so brilliant. As your parents shuffle out, your girlfriend will point out a stack of funeral business cards (which you would have poorly designed yourself with your limited knowledge). These cards have the number of the actor you have hired. He will arrange for the body to be delivered home, etc, etc. Your parents will return home only to receive the news that the transportation of the body was hijacked by high school teachers on strike, and unfortunately there is no way to recover it.

There you go, Tyrone. No loose ends, no leads, no more parents. You can happily waste everyone’s time until you eventually end up needing money, then you can call home and say that you miraculously woke up in the bush and managed to survive until you made it back to civilization.

Happy now?

Dear Doctor,

Like everyone, I have a butt load of assignments coming up and I’ve caught a nasty flu from my boyfriend. I currently hate everyone and everything, and I can barely get out of bed. How do I study with the flu?

Mucusy Madeleine.

Dear Madeleine, flick to Page 12, there’s an article on How To Study With The Flu. Or you could stop tonguing your beef like a complete nitwit while he’s got phlegm dripping off his tongue.


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