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Tales of the drunk and disorderly, and their ‘naughty’ nights out

What is an embarrassing time you’ve been on the slosh? Massive Magazine asks students to share their embarrassing stories…

“Well here’s one. I was out on the town with a group of eager beavers when one of the brothers was trying to suss a tin. He knew that I was against the consumption of marijuana, but I was right out of my mind, pissed as fuck so I decided to stick with him and the boys and go suss some hooch. We approached the house, then out came the dealer. We went in and there was dank kush everywhere, in jars in fact. At this point in time I was beyond repair. The whole bottle of Kraken I had consumed earlier was rightly fumigating through my breath and I could feel a chunder about to happen. I ran outside and had a huck.”

“It was my mates 21st, we went to his damp Newtown flat and were prepared to get furiously naughty. I had already consumed the entire contents of the expired goon sack in my grandma’s drawer. As me and the bro walked up Adelaide Road for a good hour, I fell over heaps because it was wet and slippery. We finally got there and I was feeling crook, crook as hell to be honest. I immediately sat on the couch. The party was huge so I knew I had my chance. I leaned over out of this window and let out the biggest, naughtiest chun I have ever experienced within my life. I felt good as until the next day when it all hit me. I was on Facebook when a post on Vic Deals showed up… “Local florist, defaced by vomit”.”

“Well here is a story of absolute drunkenness. After a pre-drinking session with my rock climbing buddies, I decided it was now time to head out on Courtenay Place. I was ready to get my naughtiness on to the maximum level and turn the fuck up. We headed into the Establishment Bar and I started to dance. Immediately out of the corner of my eye a beautiful gal came over to me, she snatched me up and it was love. Well it was for a couple of weeks, she had to go back to Tokelau for volunteering or something. I was gutted, but hey I was absolutely sloshed that night and I am very grateful for my attractive dab.”

“Well it all started back in first year, when I was home for Christmas break, it was my mates birthday and we were prepared to get absolutely flustered, and that I got. It was time to get an Uber to his place, I didn’t have the app at the time so I called 0800UBER, turns out I actually called my home phone. I answered it and realised that I had just called myself. Gee I was having a hysterical time, apparently I spent a good hour talking to myself while my mate ordered the Uber. There’s a video out there on Vimeo somewhere, but good luck finding it!”

Well, this was back in the day. It was probably around year 12 or so. I attended a cube party (an inflated, cube shaped enclosure). It all started in the back of my mum’s Honda Jazz – she offered to sober drive me and my mates – Beryl and Jonathan, to the party. I was sitting in the back seat necking this bottle of Midori, which I found in my uncles liquor cabinet. It was burning but the succulent taste of melon was far too pleasing for my pallet to not enjoy. By the time we got to the cube party I was plastered. I frothed around to beats such as the Harlem Shake and various other gospel hits, I would’ve been frothing till around 3am when I got dragged outside by someone dressed like a cop. I started to take a piss because I was busting, but yeah turns out it was a real cop who had come to shut the party down. $330 fine later and nearly getting arrested, that is a story for the grand kids.”

“I got pissed once and got in everyone’s face with a camera thinking I was funny and on the footage they were pissed off. Then I did a bunch of shots, cried because I thought I would be arrested, then threw up all over this girl house. Passed out on the toilet and woke up with joker face paint on.”

“So it was a few months ago on a Saturday. I was the only one in my flat to go out to a party but I figured someone would be up when I got home. Anyways after a few too many and a wintry cold skate home I arrived at my door to find it was locked. My room mate on the bottom floor was out so he wouldn’t be able to hear a knock. So I rang the doorbell and called various people for about half an hour with no answer. I then thought to ring my neighbour’s door for a while with still no answer. After another ten minutes I felt like my fate was sealed and I looked at hallway floor which was looking like a more tempting bed every second. I then decided that I wasn’t taking this and I convinced myself that perseverance was key. I then rang my neighbour’s doorbell to have the door open and close quickly to unlock the door. I walked into the flat to see my neighbour vanish into her room and slam the door clearly annoyed from her 3am waking. I made my way to the balcony and slung what was left of my double box over to my balcony. I then got up on the rail and peered over side to see parked cars below. The rail was squeaky from dew and I didn’t hesitate before vaulting onto my deck and into the warmth of my bed. Moral of that story is don’t forget your keys and probably don’t jump over the balcony. But it was worth it.”

“On New Year I hosted a party at my house and at the same time my parents had their friends round for drinks upstairs. I got super drunk and tried to light fireworks whilst holding them and ended up burning my hand in three different places. After that I blacked out and don’t remember anything. The next day my head was shaved and I was informed by both my mum and my girlfriend that I had gone upstairs and called my parents along with all their friends “a bunch of cunts.”’

“One time I was out in town with friends, and I got denied access into a club for being too wasted. I decided to call it a night and tried to walk my way back home, but I was so focused on looking at my shoes and trying to remember song lyrics that I took about four wrong turns and found myself in a completely unfamiliar area. I thought about getting an Uber, but I had given my phone to my friend to hold onto since I didn’t have pockets in my dress and was too wasted to remember to take it with me everywhere. To make matters worse, I really needed to pee. I walked down a quieter road, and hopped the fence of this one apartment. Normally I have more class but I was busting and the nearest loo would have been 20 minutes away. I managed to slip and pee all over myself. I lay there for ages just crying, but eventually picked myself up and made it back to my flat after trying to retrace my steps for an hour and asking someone for directions. I tried to sneak back into my flat, but my flatmate was up and he just looked at me and shook his head.”

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