Modern Miss Lonelyhearts

Join Massive’s own agony aunt as she dissects the peaks and pitfalls of dating in a millennial world.

As each of us stumble through the absurdity of looking for love, we find ourselves asking a lot of questions. But it would seem that one thing, above all else, comes up time and time again. That being, the age-old ponderance: how do you get over your ex?

I’d like to have a little bit of fun with this today. I’ll be hiding some good advice in a sea of shockingly bad advice. It’s your job – yes, you – to fish it out, with your deductive reasoning skills. Or lack thereof. We’ll soon find out, I guess!

The Lookalike

You don’t even have to get over your ex, you just find someone who looks like them. Right away. It’ll be like the breakup never happened – I promise. Act fast!

The Tissue Tester

Go to the store and buy one box of every kind of tissue paper, so you can see which is the best to cry into. Once you’ve made your decision, why not write a letter to the company, just thanking them. So much.

Family Ties

You’re going to want to date someone in their family. Somebody high up. I’m talking like a dad, the more attractive sibling, a successful cousin. Get creative with it.  Hey, scoff all you want – this is definitely the most effective way to get them back into your life.

The 80s Film Approach

Put on your brightest coloured outfit and sunglasses. Go get yourself one of those chunky boom boxes. Go to your uncle’s house, the one with the nice car. Offer to clean his gutters so he’ll let you borrow it. Go to your ex’s house. Drive right up on the front lawn. Put the boom box on the ground (or up on your shoulder, Sean Kingston style – whatever feels right). Hit play.

What’s that? Yeah, it’s Drake. Not just one song either – it’s a mix, switching from emotional hard-hitters to straight bangers with every base drop. Meanwhile, you’re just standing their with your fluorescent swimming shorts, your glasses and your uncle’s car behind you like:

*leans back, hands in the air, grin on your face, head nodding ever so slightly*

Your house could be painted blue or gold

Keep in mind that you have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow. You think you have a pretty good idea, and that’s about the best you can do. For example, in five years, your best friend could be a totally different person. Your house could be painted a totally different colour – like blue, or gold. The point is, new things, good things, are happening all the time as long as you’re open to it. Actually, more accurately, they happen all the time. You just need to be paying attention.

Groundbreaking news: You tend not to do that when you’re ten feet deep, in a stack of various brands of tissues, and self-loathing.

If you really want to get over your ex, check this out: Things are going to get better, and you have no idea how. That’s okay.

Faking It

Pretend that you’re having the time of your life in pictures that you put on every possible form of social media. That’ll show ‘em!


Good luck out there, everyone.

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