Modern Miss Lonelyhearts

Join Massive’s own agony aunt as she dissects the peaks and pitfalls of dating in a millennial world.

Everyone has been abubble about it for quite some time now – so yes, I know, I’m late to the party. But recently, after an extended single-life hiatus, I decided to check this sucker out.

Tinder. The love child of and candy crush. The thrilling instant validation, only ever a swipe or two away. All wrapped up in a delightful crimson red flame.

When initially downloading the app and diving head first into a seemingly vast new array of potential suitors, naturally, I had a fair few questions. What are people doing on here? Is anyone taking this seriously? Are we all just here for hookups, or something more? Is it too superficial? Is it dangerous? How long before I come across a few too many uncomfortably familiar faces?

The potential ‘danger’ aspect got to me more than most – being reminded that the person I just spoke to is “less than a mile away” had me wondering. Was I one poorly judged swipe away from winding up in the boot of some guy named Frank’s car, never to see the light of day again, all because my drunken mind somehow thought his cheesy tagline was charming?

But hey, I’m dramatic.

What started out as a curious exploration was now sparking something more. Soon enough, it had me pondering what exactly Tinder suggests about modern day dating in general. Is it all simply a microcosm of what we do in real life? File people away as attractive or unattractive, make split second decisions based on minimal facts, trust complete strangers? Do we really need to know tonnes of information about someone to know if they’re really a good ‘match’?

Thus, I compiled an unofficial list of Tinder truths – many of which can be applied to the art of dating in general.

  • There is no smooth or natural way of beginning a conversation with a total stranger when the only thing you have in common is the belief that you both are not ugly.
  • If you didn’t know you had a type: you do. Hence the quick-fire way you can absolutely HATE or love someone based on their face alone.
  • There is always a stranger way to spell a name. Future parents, take note: you thought Craig couldn’t be messed up? Think again: I just found myself a strapping young lad named ‘Kreagg’.
  • Apparently guys are yet to learn that a picture of you with some form of poor dead animal across your shoulders is not appealing.
  • A clever one liner goes a LONG way.
  • Everyone loves traveling! And working out! And trying new things! And food!
  • If the main photo includes two or more people, nine times out of ten, the profile won’t belong to the cutest one.
  • You never get a second chance at a first impression – but hey, no pressure, right?
  • Nothing brings to your attention the old embarrassing Facebook ‘interests’ of yours quite like seeing ‘F0rget princess!! I wanna be a VAMP!RE!!’ crop up at the bottom of your profile.
  • If someone is less than a mile away, put your phone down slowly – very slowly – and run for your life (okay, maybe this one is just me).  

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