Leprosy outbreak stuns Albany campus

An outbreak of leprosy has stunned Massey University’s Albany campus, with as many as 400 students reportedly contracting the contagious disease.

Local medical centres spoken to by Massive confirmed that the first verified case of the disease occurred last week, before quickly spreading throughout the student community.

The disease spreads across the skin, mucous membranes and attacks the nervous system.

Although most commonly spread through sexual contact, in extreme cases leprosy has been known to affect sexual performance and cause acute erectile dysfunction.

Dr Montgomery Gingerkiss, a Panmure-based medical expert with over 30 years’ experience in the fields of skin infections and tap-dancing, advised patients suffering from the ailment to spray their genitals with deodorant.

“Yeah, nah, give your cock a good spray and she’ll be fucking sweet as,” said Dr Gingerkiss.

Dr Gingerkiss arrived late for a scheduled press conference
Dr Gingerkiss arrived late for a scheduled press conference

Dr Gingerkiss was late to a scheduled media conference held in a photocopier factory after being stopped by a police booze bus, blowing over four times the legal limit – something he stressed had “fuck all” effect on his medical judgement.

Speculation is rife as to how the disease first arrived on the campus, with everything from overcrowded car parks, price hikes on overdue library book fees and radical Islam being blamed for the outbreak.

Another theory suggests the disease may originate from the ASA-affiliated Binge Drinking Society, a club dedicated – according to their Facebook page – to “spreading information on the health benefits of heavy intoxication”.

Rhonda Superslim, the BDS President, told Massive she believes her club may have inadvertently introduced the disease onto the campus after importing several beer pong tables from a third world country.

“We should have explored markets outside of Australia,” said Ms Superslim.

A temporary treatment facility has been set up around the Golden Promise statue, with scores of affected students receiving medical attention around the site.

A local art merchant spoken to by Massive indicated that the treatment facility will add “tremendous value” to the “already fabulous” art piece.

Aid agencies working on the campus have been quick to condemn Albany student social media sites for not allowing them to post vital updates about the situation.

A spokesperson for one of the sites told Massive that crucial medical information did not comply with their guidelines, saying they considered such posts to be “advertising” or “journalistic”.

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