Jack’s guide to curing a hangover

By Jack Mayo

The hangover. Sunday’s perfect match. At some point of your life you are probably going to experience some form of hangover after a huge night on the piss with your mates. So let me share with you the secret to curing a nasty hangover.

There is quite a lot you need to consider before you test out my marvelous method of magic. If you want to cure your hangover you need to act within the first three hours of finding out you are hungover – due in part to the levels of oxygen within the blood system. Keeping the cold, miserable weather in mind, this particular cure will only work if you have been in terribly bad atmospheric conditions within the last week, so sorry folks this is not a summertime solution. And finally, you must have at least $17 to pay for expenses. If you don’t have the coinage but still want to try, I find a neat trick is to ‘borrow’ the necessary items from your flatmates or family.

Firstly you are going to need three simple things. A bottle of Nando’s Peri Peri sauce ($7 at Countdown), a purple cabbage (these are usually quite reasonably priced, but definitely subject to season), and finally some Egyptian custard, (this is quite hard to find, try the local markets, this is where the best and cheapest Egyptian custard tends to lurk around). With these three ingredients you are about to cure yourself from that down-buzz throbbing in your head.

Now for the preparation stages, firstly you must grab your cabbage and peel it on a 45 degree angle. Next grate up your cabbage into small shavings (the smaller the better, and you get more of them if you grate them small, not big). These are done for now, I’ll come back to these shortly. Now grab a firm grip on your bottle of sauce, crack open the seal for a nice clean breaking effect and then twist the lid. Pour the sauce in a container and let it simmer about for a good few shakes of a lamb’s tail. Maybe you could go and listen to some fresh new beats during this time. Now here’s a shocking reveal about what to do with the Egyptian custard.

With that luscious black Egyptian custard, pour at least half of the pottle inside the same container the sauce is in. Now be careful in doing so as this is known to have quite a chemical reaction try to not inhale the fumes as these may cause a sense of blindness within your eyes for anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 years. Now shove some finely grated cabbage in as well and fill to the near-brim with water. This will dilute the mix into a bearable acidic rate that the human skin will be able to handle. And yes guys, you guessed it, the next stage is jumping in the container.

You must jump in from at least seven feet off the ground and land on your back. The back slap will create synergy within the container on your connection with it, thereby creating small sensations up your spine and to your head. These small vibrations are of the same pain curing standards of morphine (they’re probably not really, but hey its not too bad). Sit in the bath of your mix and let it soak in, sit here for at least 25 minutes and then you should be feeling near 100 per cent.

Voila. I wish you the best with my hangover cure. This is what you’ve all been searching for, so grab your items and maybe even stock up for weekends to come. You can also use these items for other everyday activities, such as cooking and photography. Have fun, stay safe, cure that hangover, young blood.

  • While Jack’s hangover cure is great, remember the best cure for a hangover is to prevent yourself from getting one in the first place. Drink in moderation and be sensible! The best hangover is no hangover.

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