Horoscoping you out

Your ASSTROLLOGY with Ass Troll the Mystic

“There was a young mystic called Ass

His visions were definitions of class

He wrote horoscopes

Filled it with tropes

Not at all to be applied en-masse”

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

There was a young girl Aquarius

After every sentence said, “are you serious?”

It all got too much

One day a cute futch

Gave her a whack deleterious

Pisces (Feb 20 - March 20)

There was a nonbinary Pisces

Took too long nostril hairs with some tweezers

They gave it a pinch

But started to wince

Uncontrollable sneezes

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

There was an insufferable Aries

They don’t shut up about Aries

They’re an Aries

Did you know they an Aries

Guess what star sign I am, an Aries

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21)

There was an adolescent who was Taurus

He took the lead in the chorus

His solo was cropped

As one ball had dropped

And his suddenly his voice became so sonorous

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)

There was older woman, a Gemini

Who believed in an old type of femini

There’s only two genders

And ‘queers’ are just benders

Sharon, hope you get lemon inya eye

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23)

Darren was unfortunately a Cancer

He thought he had all of the answers

But he believes in some myths

Like capitalist monoliths

The revolution is nigh, ideological necromancer

Leo (Jul 24 - Aug 23)

Leo was a dude who was a Leo

He had a bit of an ego

He swanned around town

Looked a bit of a clown

Cos he only ever wore tan coloured chinos

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23)

Wendy was a cool kind of Virgo

What I’m trying to say really, ergo

She only wore black

Owned a Jansport backpack

And had a boyf called Diego

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23)

There was a young lass who was Libra

She rode around on an imported zebra

One dude called Beck

Said that’s illegal as heck

So she traded it in for a cheetah

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23)

There was an old man, Scorpio

Who’d just got a new sexy beau

They met on Grindr

Which is a timely reminder

That it’s not just for job blows

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)

There was a person, Sagittarius

They had some plans nefarious

Put pins on seat top

But forgot; sat down; tetanus shot

That one wasn’t hilarious

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20)

There was a young girl Capricorn

Who had an addiction to porn

One was never enough

Her bits became quite tough

But what can you do when you’re horn?