Horoscoping you out

Your ASSTROLLOGY with Ass Troll the Mystic

“Lol lol lololol… lol.”

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) 

You could encounter someone with a very closed attitude to asstrology this week, Aquarius. Remember your ass’ is perfect.

Pisces (Feb 20 - March 20) 

This week, someone will disagree with you. They may be right and you may need to apologise. Do so willingly. Unless you are right, in which case drag that bitch to hell.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) 

Congratulations Aries! This week you will have a baby. If you don’t, the stars are wrong and you’re probably adopted. Sorry no offence but it’s trueeee byeeee.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) 

Be a good friend this week by hanging out with your friends, listening to them when they speak to you, speaking to them, getting coffee, omg let’s go to mishmosh yeh i dont really like mishmosh either but it’s fun when you’re drrruuunkkk like just for a laugh.

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21) 

Your emoji this week is vomit face lol sorry bowt it I don’t make the rules I just predict them.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23)

uggggh cancer you are the WORST. Petty bish.

Leo (Jul 24 - Aug 23) 

Ask. Them. Out.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23) 

General truism that could apply to literally anyone.

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23) 

You’re keen to make a bold move in your love life, Libra. In this case, love life can be applied metaphorically since you’re forever alone. Wah #ready2mingle #ilovebeingsingle #tilimnot #theneveryprofilepic #ismeandmyboo

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23) 

You will feel a mix of emotions this week, Scorpio. Except for robot scorpios, who just wish that one day they will feel love. Scorpion shaped robots, cooooool #mynexttattoo

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) 

Autumn is coming (maybe). Forage for mushrooms.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20)

Use more lube, the labia will love you for it. Safe sex always. Only for you though not the other signs they can get riddled with gonorrhea BAI.