The Massive Obscure Career Path Quiz 

Every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to be a fertiliser rep or marketing coordinator nowadays. You want your five year plan to include a company car and health insurance, but you still want interesting work stories to flex with at a family barbeque. This highly accredited quiz will direct you onto a path that you may never have considered before. Please be open-minded. 

  1. Your most treasured possession is:

  1. Your taxidermied childhood pet, Otis
  2. Your Himalayan salt lamp
  3. Your MacBook Air with its fifty tabs open
  4. Melon milk vape pods

2. On the weekends, you’re most likely found: 

  1. Somewhere cold and dark
  2. Collecting rocks at the beach. Nobody is interested and your friend complains about the sand in their car
  3. Crying in the library
  4. In the outdoor area of any pub

3. Your favourite part of university is: 

  1. Not going to class
  2. Seeing your student living costs appear in your bank account
  3. The temporary high of adrenaline when Turnitin doesn’t roast your assignment
  4. Asserting dominance over your flatmates with passive aggressive group messages

4. Your ‘five-year-plan’ includes:

  1. A company car and a fertile partner
  2. Being your own boss. Fuck the 9-5 grind! 
  3. My what?
  4. Being able to afford rent in an apartment on Cuba St

5. At a house party, you can usually be found:

  1. Casing the place for silverware. You’re out of teaspoons at home
  2. Taking Boomerangs so everyone knows you’re there
  3. Paralysed in the corner of the living room because you’ve just realised you forgot to submit that 2% quiz on Stream
  4. Aggressively guarding the AUX cord. You’re adamant to anyone that will listen that Yung Lean ‘grows on you, honestly!’

6. Your friends would describe you as: 

  1. Clammy
  2. Flakey 
  3. Studious 
  4. Alternative

7. As a child, you wanted to be a _____ when you grew up: 

  1. Doctor
  2. Astronaut
  3. Teacher
  4. Skater 

8. Your go to beverage is: 

  1. Formaldehyde 
  2. Kombucha
  3. Coffee or anything remotely caffeinated
  4. Craft beer. Preferably a Black Dog IPA

Mostly A’s 

Funeral home director

Your black sense of humour and poor circulation means you’re a natural choice for this job. Despite the anti-social nature of the industry, you’ll be able to compensate at house parties with the best work stories. Just save them until after everyone’s eaten.

Mostly B’s 

Fortune teller

Incense? Check. Tarot cards? Check. Weird rock from the beach that you insist is obsidian quartz? Check. You’ve always had a fascination for stars and shiny things, so capitalise on that and misname yourself as ‘an enigma.’ You’re so random, Virgo x 

Mostly C’s 

I don’t know what to tell you, bro. Just go back for masters next year. You can take the person out of university, but you can’t take the crippling fear of the real world out of the person! 

Mostly D’s 

Vape connoisseur

Everyone laughed at you when you said you were studying Food Science. Are you going to be a cook? they’d sneer. Now who’s laughing? You’ll get to spend your days swilling clouds of artificial candy floss smog in your mouth, and you’re close to mastering the perfect ‘O’ anyway. You’ll get addicted to nicotine and won’t be welcome in most cafes anymore, but you’ll sure show the haters!