Horoscoping you out

Horoscoping you out - Issue 9

Forget those unreliable Buzzfeed quizzes. I am the true authority on cheese astrology. Keep reading to find out what cheesy snack your mum enjoyed while you were in utero.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Swiss Cheese

Just like the North American style Swiss, you’re a little unconventional and rebellious. The sweet taste reflects your humanitarian side and just like this cheese that’s covered in eyes (technical term for the holes fyi) you’re all-seeing and always know what the tea is.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20): Ricotta

As a friendly, compassionate sign, you’re best suited to a fluffy, lightly salted Ricotta. Just like a Pisces grudge, this cheese won’t last long much longer than a week once opened.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20): Cheddar

This mature English cheese variety is almost as hard and dense as an Aries. Powerful enough to be eaten alone, it’s ideal for this independent fire sign, with a sharp flavour that tastes of competitiveness distilled from a lifetime of sibling rivalry and perfectionism. Eat up.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21): Gouda

It’s always a gouda time when there’s a Taurus around. They’re solid, reliable and earthy, just like this nutty Dutch cheese, and I’m not just saying this because my mum is one. Als je de tijd hebt genomen om dit te vertalen, hou ik van je.

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21): Camembert

Everyone loves camembert just like everyone loves you Gemini, you big flirt. It’s a little bit saucy, goes great with wine, and like the soul of an air sign, that smooth creamy filling can’t be easily contained which is why you Gems get restless and bored so easily.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23): Feta

Ripping open a block of feta is just easy as ripping into a heart to heart with a Cancer, arguably the most emotional sign. They’re soft and salty and so is the cheese.

Leo (July 24 - Aug 23): Pepper Jack

Pepper Jack is aromatic, dramatic and spicy just like loyal Leo lion. You protec, you attac, but most importantly, you a tasty snac.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23): Brie

Known as the queen of the cheeses, Brie is a little bit bougie, a little bit boring, but still well loved by all. It’s practical, no fuss and a welcome addition to any party.

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23): Mozzarella

Known as the sign of harmony and balance, Libra mums totally dined on the fresh, supple treat that is Mozzarella. Now you’re a flexible, peaceful, young people pleaser, being pulled in all kinds of directions by your desire to avoid conflict and confrontation. Thanks mum?

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23): Parmesan

Shit’s bitter with this one. Sharp just like the Scorpio sting. But parmesan also has a lot of strength, passion and power behind it, transforming that mediocre pasta and pesto combo into a memorable gourmet meal that you’ll want to eat again and again until you hate it?

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22): Halloumi

Sagittarius is famously adventurous and energetic so it only makes sense that this squeaky little cheese would do. It’s springy, refreshing and loves to be fried like a Sag on the rocks of some Mediterranean coastline.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20): Gruyere

Just like you, this cheese is hard, stubborn and a little conservative, no shade. But beneath that brown rind is a complex fruity flavour and a humble heart. Aw.