Horoscoping you out - Issue 6

Category is Met Gala Realness - guess which guest you are to everyone's favourite problematic annual fashion event

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

Your family seems a bit distant at the moment but your friends are stepping up to make sure you always have a hand to hold.
Your God wears a durag but you wear latex. Film of the month is Alien.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)

You're finally ready to introduce your new boo to the world. People may not approve but your shared love of AI jokes makes up for it all. Your lucky numbers are 1 and 0.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)

You don’t always turn up to the party Aries but your presence can be felt regardless. Things are finally on the mend with your S.O. Nobody will be holy ghosting you this season.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21)

Feeling defensive Taurus? Whether you’re protecting yourself from a broken heart or the sweaty paws of the patriarchy, no-one is going to find a chink in your armour. You’ll be sleeping in this look so head to Bunnings for a good silver polish ASAP.  

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)

You’ve joined the Gucci gang Gemini and you’re feeling closer than ever to a particular friend or loved one. I hope you’re calling each other up to match outfits and hairstyles before hitting the town to look for daddies on motorbikes.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23)

Feeling your oats as per usual Cancer, especially since your mate the Catholic Cardinal lent you a sick hat. You're getting thick for the winter and it suits you.

Leo (July 24 - Aug 23)

It’s time for your annual social appearance Leo, and you obviously inspired this whole theme. Remind those ageists and critics why you’re still relevant, because you’re looking regal and life is a damn mystery that everyone must walk alone.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23)

Your S.O. may have just tried to reduce slavery into a conspiracy theory, but you are still glowing. Did you stone those tights?

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23)

If people didn’t know your name before they soon will Libra. We’ll all be watching what you’re ‘whippin’ now. Your lucky colours this month are red, white and blue but that lavender suit still looks great.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23)

Please continue to win academy awards so you can go to more gala events and show people how it’s done you crazy Scorpio!  Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before etc.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)

That bun in the oven is starting to look toasty, and so are you. As in hot. You look hot Sagittarius. Don’t let anyone dull your glow by trying to compare you to other rappers. Being reductive is so 2017.  

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20)

Capricorn, you aimed for preach but landed on reach. Those wings were not made to fly and frankly you’re getting lost in them. Don’t worry so much about trying to be one of the cool kids. It’s probably overrated, but what would I know…


Aquarius – Solange

Pisces – Grimes

Aries – Beyonce

Taurus – Zendaya

Gemini – Lana Del Ray

Cancer – Rihanna

Leo – Madonna

Virgo – Kim Kardashian

Libra – Daniel Glover

Scorpio – Frances McDormand

Sagittarius – Cardi B

Capricorn – Katy Perry