Horoscoping You Out - Issue 11

Spoiler alert! I looked a little too hard into your futures this week so read to find out what you will be doing with your life in 10 years’ time…

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19): You are well on your way to becoming the next Minister of Justice. You live in a restored lighthouse with your spouse who is a spatial designer and together you have three pet stoats that you have raised from birth. In your spare time you brew ginger beer and lead mindfulness walks along the coast.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20): You are a romantic novelist trying hard to have your best-selling book “The F*ckboy Who Loved Me” turned into a New Zealand style telenovela. You are in a polyamorous throuple and together you all rent a beautiful villa in Ponsonby. Tomorrow you’re having the garden measured out for a pool.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20): Ever since Daniel Corbett resigned as the One News weather presenter in 2020 you have had your eye on the position and tomorrow you finally have an interview! You are still living at your parent’s house that you moved back into after uni but this could be your big break. On weekends you sell homemade sourdough at the market and flirt with the cheese vender at the stall beside yours.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21): After graduation you realised you have no interest in living in today’s capitalist society and up and left your life to start an eco-village in a remote part of Northland. Today you have around 20 others living in your community and run a successful hemp oil business. You have a pet possum called Malcolm that you found at the bottom of your composting toilet one summer’s night.

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21): You are a successful solicitor at a Swedish law firm in Stockholm and live in a houseboat. In the evenings you watch silent films with your Swedish boo and try to learn another language – this month it’s Portuguese.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23): You are currently touring Europe with your band ‘The Tenancy Tribunal’ that you formed with your flatmates when you were a bored yo-pro. Things are going really well except that you suspect two of the members are secretly in talks with another record company about going solo. You got a tattoo of a waffle on your ankle last weekend and it’s really starting to itch.

Leo (Jul 24 - Aug 23): You never left uni and are now a senior lecturer with numerous articles published in academic journals and three books in the works. You are still dating your squeeze from second year and are hoping to pop the question on their birthday this month.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23): You’re a hairdresser at a small salon with dreams of starting your own, but you lost a finger two years ago in a freak scissor accident and it’s rocked your confidence. Your mum is living with you while she renovates her house and looks after your three boys while you’re at work.

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23): You discovered a new species of beetle in your Thai hostel on your big OE and have been travelling ever since, living off the reward money. You have a small pet chicken that travels with you called Vanessa and together you have been to over 50 countries. You committed felonies in 27 of those countries.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23): You are a real estate agent in Melbourne, currently living out of your car because you have been evicted from your flat after setting the kitchen on fire trying to make fajitas. You secretly want to be a personal trainer and have auditioned annually for Love Island for the past five years.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22): You’re a performance artist and activist living in a tiny home you and your partner build yourselves from recycled materials. You are building a second tiny house for your baby that is on the way. To bring in extra income you teach life drawing classes at the local community centre.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20): You are a playground designer with a growing portfolio. You’ve designed for the Arderns (who now have three children), the White House and next will be a remodelling of the iconic Ohakune carrot park which was destroyed in 2025 by a rogue tractor. You live in a replica version of the carrot with your cockatoo and your younger siblings.