Horoscoping you out

Horoscoping You Out - Issue 10

Your ooky spooky Horror-scopes have arrived. Don’t read these before bed.

'Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19): You will be forced to stay the night in the sleep-out after locking yourself out of the flat and will be visited by Click-Clack-Slide. If you were born on an even day you will live to see the morning and if you were born on an odd day your flatmates will have a nasty surprise waiting for them on the washing line in the morning.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20): The ghost of twerking David Seymour will haunt your room for the next two weeks until you invest in some sage and smoke his ass out. Literally, get that twerking ass out of here.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20): The Babadook is going to leave you baba-shook when he appears during your weekly existential crisis. Unfortunately, just like Trump it seems like he’ll never leave.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21): Remember Annabelle? The doll that used to tear people’s families apart (and not in the way that board games do). Well you’re going to find her at an op-shop and take her home as a joke. Come Wednesday you won’t be laughing.

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21): Your eyelashes are going to turn into spiders.

Cancer (Jul 24 - Aug 23): You’ve heard of snakes on a plane: this week gets ready for snakes everywhere BUT on a plane! Snakes in your bed, snakes in your shower, snakes in your fridge, snakes in your dumplings!

Leo (Jul 24 - Aug 23): You are going to reach down beside your bed to turn on your electric blanket and feel a hand grab your wrist… Luckily it will just be your annoying flatmate hiding under your bed trying to stop you from using power to keep the electricity bill down.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23): You are going to throw a banger of a party on Saturday night, only to be woken up the next day at 11am by your landlord there for your monthly inspection which you totally forgot about! You will hastily try to scrape the vomit off the ceiling and clear out the sleeping couple from your bathtub, but it will be no use and he’ll see everything. The horror!

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23): Feeling brave this month Libra? So brave that you will decide to say Bloody Mary three times in the uni bathroom mirror and curse the entire floor of the library. Good going jerk, we don’t have time for these shenanigans.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 23): The scariest story of all is weighing very heavily on your mind this week: climate change.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22): Yours is a horror-scope we can all relate to – mould: It’s coming from inside the house! Last week it was the ceiling, this week it’s on your pillow next to your head. Sweet dreams Capricorn.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20): Brace yourself: this week not one, not two but four people are going to ask you what you are doing when you graduate, forcing you to come face to face with the terrifying prospect of “the unknown”. By Thursday you will be enrolled in a master’s program.