November 3, 2019
Issue 02 2019

Tinderella

With Valentines’ Day fluttering past, there were flowers to buy and chocolates to consume. Yet hidden amongst the romance of it all, there came another, undocumented struggle: The Pledge of the Single Girl.

It is a struggle for us singletons to convince everyone we are happy being Beyoncé as a Single Lady rather than Crazy in Love. This becomes especially hard when your best friend receives a teddy bear from her boyfriend that sings I love you in seven different languages.

So where do the single girls go? Where are the girls who don’t have a slobbering soulmate to share saliva with? Are they in hibernation, taking for the hills and hiding in the pits of despair? Are they actually… getting ahead on their studies for first semester? Of course not. These unfortunate girls can be found on Tinder.

My good friend ‘Little J’ (a Gossip Girl inspired pseudonym) found herself looking for love on Valentines Day. In order to assist Little J, myself and a gaggle of other, optimistically single girls set out to create her a Tinder account. Recent surveys state that approximately 49.7 million Americans have tried online dating. With such a high prevalence, finding a partner online should be no trouble. In today’s society, if you can shop online for a cute dress, you can shop online for a cute boyfriend.

Little J’s profile was tasteful. There was no spurting cleavage, a good mixture of glamorous pictures mixed in with those that showed her in her most natural state, and most importantly of all— no Snapchat filters. The profile clearly highlighted Little J’s interest in intellect and conversation; not just appearance.

“I didn’t want people to be confused about what I was looking for,” Little J said.

“Or to have any confusion over what I actually look like.”

Of course, on this tiny campus, awkward encounters with finding people you know is unavoidable. How about finding that guy that made out with your flatmate at Fergs last week? Little J had her fair share of these awkward matches. She matched with her old neighbour from last years’ student accomodation.

“It wasn’t awkward,” Little J laughed.

“This is what friends do. Everyone thinks that Tinder has a boundary where you can only like someone by a short bio and the pictures they put up but it doesn’t necessarily have to be like that.”

Little J believes that online dating can be used to meet friends and form lifelong connections with people— not just for dates and hook-ups.

Even with a star profile and the purest of intentions, Little J still had her fair share of creeps. One of her first matches sent her, “Yo, wanna fuck?”

Another sent the lovely pick-up line, “Is your Dad a baker, because you’ve got a nice set of buns.”

With messages like these flooding in, Little J was set for a couple days of instant unmatching. When asked if she thought that the ‘hook-up’ culture surrounding Tinder would get in the way of people finding true love, Little J said, “I don’t think so. A lot of people are influenced to think that people are just in it for the hook ups. Originally, it [Tinder] was meant for people to come together.”

However, even with creepy messages flooding in, this fairytale story could still have a happy ending for our Massey University Cinderella. After swiping her fingers so hard she realised she might as well have been masturbating the whole time— Little J found the one.

We’ll call him Computer Boy. Computer Boy was sweet, with brown hair and a big smile. His profile had an adequate amount of memes and appreciation for avocado on toast. The flirting kicked off with the usual banter about each other’s bios and what the other one studied. It progressed rapidly into discussing Little J’s busy schedule, plans for after graduation, a drag queen show at Family Bar and finally; when the soon-to-be power-couple could meet up.

Numbers were exchanged. A date to the movies was booked. Little J nervously shared her excitement with us. This was to be her first date with someone she’d met online. Little J was single… and ready to mingle.

But that’s where we leave this fateful tale— at least for today. With Little J’s date looming, all we can do is hope that Computer Boy will be the one. We will continue to hope and pray until the next issue of Massive where we answer the question: will Computer Boy be Little J’s Prince Charming? Or is he just another frog to kiss on the path to finding true love?