Dilemma Doctor

Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.

Dear Doctor,

My flatmate is constantly lighting things on fire and I feel as though it is becoming a health and safety issue, not only for him, but for all of us. Recently I came home and my room was completely engulfed in flames, I’m in a bit of a pickle, what do I do?

Your flatmate sounds like he has the wrong definition of ‘roast me.’ Firstly you should ask if you could join in with his adventures, maybe it will ‘lighten’ up your day. Things like this are no big deal. So what if your rooms on fire, at least you can cut down on the power bill for a while due to the free lighting and heat. If things do get progressively worse, someone should probably call 111, but hey, you don’t want to waste your last 4 per cent of your battery life on something boring like that, when you could be swiping right instead. A hot Tinder is always more important than a hot cinder.

Dear Doctor,

I have a dilemma and half, to say the least. I was visiting my parents last weekend, and after a long and tedious trip, I came home to find my goldfish ‘Sharknado III’ had disappeared from his fish tank. I’ve got a feeling my flatmate “Bob the Knob” knows something about it. He’s always doing shit to rark me up, and he won’t spill. What do I do? ‘Sharknado III’ is one of my dearest companions.

Shit. I remember old Bob spinning this yarn down at the pub the other night. I don’t know how I’m going to break this to you. Just kidding, I do. So what happened is Bobby may have had one too many broskis and thought he would take the fish on a walk. He tied some floss round its neck and took him up the street, and then he remembered that fish need water to live. Bob messed up that night mate, I’m sorry for your loss.

Dear Doctor,

I’ve never smoked weed before, but one of my best friends has been trying it for a while and says it’s incredible. There’s a group of people she hangs with when she hits the blunt, and they’re actually a great bunch. I’m starting to feel like my friend and I are drifting apart and I’m missing out on an incredible experience. I’d desperately want to try weed and chill with them, but I’m very nervous about it. I’ve heard so much conflicting information, some people say it’s safer than booze, others say that it leads to other substances. As much as I’d like to try weed, I don’t want it to lead me into meth or anything. I just can’t decide, please help.

 Weed can be a fun time, provided you know the risks and you’re with the right people. It’s perfectly safe for most people, but for some it can cause problems. However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is a foolproof way to avoid it leading you into meth. It’s actually quite simple. Don’t start off with weed, just go straight into meth. It’s impossible for weed to lead you into meth if you’re already hooked. Don’t stop there, inject yourself with heroin, pop some happy pills, do a line of cocaine, cook some magic mushrooms into your Mi Goreng noodles. You’ll soon find that weed will be the least of your problems, and you can have a dope time with the fam. Don’t get left behind, jump on the Mary Jane train for a wild ride.

Dear Doctor,

I’m a huge Star Trek nerd, I’m borderline obsessed with it. I don’t happen to have a lot of luck with women either. So, upon moving to Wellington, I packed all of the essentials – figurines, comics, posters, models, clothing, DVDs, and pillow case. It’s all Star Trek themed. I figured I would probably be spending a lot of my time being a lone wolf, but surprisingly, Wellington has brought me new friends and a super hot girl. I’ve been dating this chick for weeks, and it’s safe to say we’re really hitting it off, despite the fact that she’s never watched The Wrath of Khan or doesn’t know what a Vulcan Mind Meld is.

Now here’s my problem. She’s going to stay over at mine for the first time next week, and I’m worried that the sheer amount of Star Trek memorabilia that I own is going to scare her off. I can’t hide it, there simply isn’t room, and I can’t bear to part with it. What the Spock do I do?

Star Trek? Really? There’s only one ‘Star’ franchise worth watching, and it doesn’t end in ‘Trek.’

If there’s no room for you to hide all that auto-cockblocking merch, you must own quite a lot. Now if we were talking about Star Wars, I’d tell you to dump her, nobody comes in between a man and his Star Wars junk. But if you want her to call you Daddy like Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes back, I suggest you find some way to conceal it.

The pillowcase is easy, just cover it with another one. You’ll have to improvise with the clothes. Tell her you’re planning to give them to your second cousin when he comes back from goat farming in the Himalayas.

Now comes the hard part. You should hit up all the bookshops and magazine stands in Welly, score all the playboy and other porno mags you can find. Cut out all the centrefolds and simply blutack them over the posters. Hide the comics and DVDs within the mags. Now your girl won’t be creeped out by your bad taste in film, but rather appreciate your taste in women.

If you’re worried all this imagery of women will make her feel insecure, simply cut out little photos of her face and glue them over the model’s faces. She’ll be overjoyed.

To hide the models and figurines, you’ll need to hit up Briscoes and the Warehouse, buy an assortment of vases, Glad Wrap, shit tonnes of cardboard, and a lighter. Glad Wrap your shitty models to prevent them from being damaged and hide them in the vases. Next, you need to burn all of the cardboard, and scatter the ashes into the vases until your merch is concealed. Voila, you are now the proud owner of an assortment of cremated loved ones. She’ll be touched by the soulfulness of it, and will be impressed by your excellent interior design.

DISCLAIMER: Although the Dilemma Doctor has your very best interests in heart please keep in mind he is no expert. If you are after serious sex or relationship advice, please consult a professional.


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