The Dilemma Doctor – The Double Brown dispensary edition

Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.

Dear Doctor, I have recently discovered that I have a third cousin back in Gore and my parents want me to go and meet him. The only thing is that I have heard he is a bit of a loose unit and goes fucking hard on the piss and I have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life, I stick to prescription pills. I am a sucker for peer pressure and would hate for my cousin to make me do something that I don’t want to do, but at the same time I should really go and see him. What should I do?

Pinging Pete

Well Pete, here’s a prescription for you, a new pill called ‘sort your shit out son’. A new cousin, that’s awesome, the fact he is loose as hell and gets pissed a lot, that’s an even better reason to go visit him! Here’s my advice, go down to Gore, meet up with him and get on the piss, (ditch the pills, nobody needs that shit in their life). Have a beer, if you’re lucky your cousin might take you out to Cooper’s. Alcohol is great for taking away the awkwardness and you and your cousin can have a right naughty time down south. Good luck!

Dear Doctor, I spend most of my weekends getting absolutely plastered with a bottle of Glenfiddich, watching replays of The Voice Australia. However some weekends I have to go out to various events, such as birthdays, parties and meetings. The thing is, I simply can’t be arsed going to these things and would rather just do me. I think I have a bit of a problem with relating to people who just can’t get as lashed as I do. I wish I could just tell my friends and colleagues to fuck off you know, but I don’t want to become lonely with nobody to talk to. What on earth should I do?

Singing Steven

Steven, the only way to get past your situation is to bring the parties and meetings to your lounge! Personally I would love to go to one of your parties where the key feature is The Voice on the big projector screen and with everyone getting right naughty with the litres upon litres of flowing Glenfiddich.

Dear Doctor, the other day was my birthday and holy hell was it one to remember, and yeah I really mean that by, I don’t remember anything that happened! At uni the next Monday, I saw something that challenged me, there was a picture of me doing a frozen chook (getting naked and curling into a chicken shape), in a tulip field… and you wouldn’t believe who else was in the photo, it was my grandma and she was doing one too! Holy shit, I knew that she loved the odd glass of Lindauer but surely she didn’t get as sloshed as me? Doctor what do I do, my grandma can drink me under the table?!

Tulip Loving Terrance

Terrance, don’t you remember? I was at your party, it was lit, so much froth everywhere! Your grandma did drink you under the table, but that is nothing to be ashamed of. She was on a bender that night because it was her first weekend back from being in a rest home. You were pissed off three cruisers and a shot of orange liqueur, like that’s a pretty poor effort so my prescription is a bottle of Bacardi 151 and I want you to neck it over the next few weekends, it’ll put you on a level that not even your grandma will find. Good luck homie.

Dear Doctor, the other night I flew home from my overseas trip to France, back there I was getting naughty on the local wines and consuming the cheese on the daily. Now that I am back in my shitty South Auckland flat, I am embezzled with anxiety. I don’t know what to do without the French piss flowing through my veins, New Zealand wine is just so bad compared to it. What should I do?

Worried Wallace

Hey Wallace, great to hear from you! Unfortunately I do not know too much about France and it’s cuisine. But I guess you could try an alternative way of curing your anxiety through smashing back a couple of slats of double browns and get furiously naughty with a bunch of Mormons. This will cleanse your insides and open you up to a new life without the need for French wine.

Dear Doctor, I have a slight tendency to get on the piss with my mate Dave. Mum says Dave is a bad influence on me but I think she is completely wrong. When I’m with Dave it is a right good time and usually nothing bad happens, aside from what happened on the weekend.. We ended up at the Casino and I am now broke and can’t afford to pay rent, or afford my darts. What the hell should I do?

Gambling Grant

Hiya Grant. Sounds as though you need some help! Firstly I think that you should confront your mate Dave and have a yarn about what happened? I know it’s all good hanging with your bro, however if you are running into a bit of mischief to the fact that your loosing your house, you need to start to put yourself first! Hit up mum for some cash to get you restarted and get a job, you’ll be up on your feet in no time!

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