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Dilemma Doctor

Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.

Dear Doctor,
I bought a hair dryer off a girl on Facebook. I paid for it, then waited a month for its arrival, even though she said it would arrive in a week. It didn’t come, I asked her for a refund, but she had already spent it. Her older sister then started abusing me online, calling me a bully and a fuckwit, and said she’d send the hairdryer herself, even though I had already bought a new one out of necessity. How do I get my money back without things escalating?
-Irate Irene

We’ve had some epic showdowns this year. Mayweather vs McGregor, Jacinda vs Bill, students vs not being able to afford food, but none of them will come close to Irate Irene vs The girl from Facebook who ripped you off, featuring her older sister. There is only one approach to this situation, and it is head on, guns blazing. You find that little shit and her fuckwit of a sister and totally give it to them by politely explaining the values of trade to them and the positive effect that transparency, reliability, and efficiency on their part as well as yours will have on our economy, culture, and communication prowess, and how their refusal to cooperate with these standards causes our community to digress from being able to reap the benefits of social advances. Hopefully they’ll fall asleep and you can nick their wallets.

Dear Doctor,
The store I work at has experienced some serial shoplifting as of late. Us staff are the ones being investigated, which seems unfair. However, I was scrolling through TradeMe, and I noticed my flatmate Nedward is selling products that match the ones taken from our store. I don’t want to assist someone doing illegal shit, but he’s my mate and I don’t want to rat him out. The whole scenario is stressing me out, what should I do?
-Frantic Fatima

Well this is news to me. You should definitely rat him out, rat his lying ass out to the cops, and get the investigation off your back. You don’t need to be liable for his crimes, and contrary to stigma, it doesn’t make you a snitch. It makes you an honest citizen who’s just trying to get by in this cruel world. Unlike shitty old Nedward. Take his ass to jail, oh and tell him he’s a backstabber and a terrible business partner, and if he’s going to disregard four weeks of planning and botch the entire operation in favour of a few dollars profit on TradeMe, then he deserves to be busted.

Dear Doctor,
Last week when there was a tremble in Wellington I made a joke to my friends about Jacinda Ardern’s teeth. Ever since then I’ve been having strange problems. I’ve been repeatedly biting my cheek, my dentist won’t return my calls, and all toothpaste tastes worse than Tussock coffee. Have I been cursed, and if so, how do I remove it?
-Smiley Sione

You fucking knob, of course you don’t do shit during an earthquake (unless you’re feeling up for a kinky evening, then by all means). They’re renowned for bringing bad luck. Why, I had a similar problem from last years quake. I was on the phone with my aunt’s lawyer when the shakes started. Instead of politely informing him of the situation and hanging up, I called him a mouth breather, and just like that, my framed picture of Patty Gower fell off the wall and shattered. It was extremely strange, and I spent a few months researching it. Turns out other people had had stuff like this happen to them during the quake, so I came to the conclusion that during a quake you should never, ever do anything to upset someone or karma will bend you over its knee and smack you like you’re Winston Peters’ kid.

However, you’ve done what you’ve done, so let’s look for a solution. You can’t apologize to Jacinda, because if she finds out and decides to stop her beaming smile then none of us will be able to see a damn thing. Of course that means these ailments might not go away, so you’ll have to find ways to manage them instead. I suggest a liquid diet to reduce chewing and therefore cheek-biting. You can get many different forms of liquid sustenance from around Wellington, I would suggest the spit buckets at The Tasting Room. They’ve usually got a little bit of everything and can be an excellent source of protein.

For the dentist I’d recommend just flossing. He’s probably just busy making little kids scream louder than your grandma did when she saw ‘IT’. Don’t make his life any harder than it has to be.
As for the toothpaste, I’ve found that a fifty-fifty mix of bleach and ammonia does the trick nicely. It’s quite nasty at first, but after about a week it doesn’t taste like anything. I know, science is incredible.
Dear Doctor,
I started my course at Massey last year while my girlfriend back home did a gap year. This year she’s joined me in Wellington, but her course is at Vic. As the year has gone by she has made lots of new Vic friends who are constantly trashing Massey, and it’s started to rub off on her. How do I convince her to snap out of it and stop referring to me as ‘scum’ in front of her friends?
-Annoyed Alec

Intercollege banter is cute when it’s in an early 2000s teen comedy, but anywhere else it’s a cancer. She started off with a gap year, so she’s obviously a smart cookie, but hanging out with Pro-College goobers can fuck that up faster than Bill English can fuck up a pizza. And to be quite honest Vic is larger than us so they have way more resources, so she’s probably getting quite a sweet deal, new friends and all. But what Vic doesn’t have is you, Alec. Peer pressure is easy to succumb to, but when push comes to shove, the ones that stand by you are more valuable than anything either university could give you. And if she’s lost sight of that then there’s only one thing you can do.
DUMP THE VIC SCUM!

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