Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.
Dear Doctor, My boyfriend and I live a very happy vegan life. It was hard getting him to convert but for months we’ve been healthy and guilt free. However, I have a few concerns. We were getting hot and heavy and I decided to give his meat a treat but surprisingly it turned out to be very meaty. I tasted ham, something I haven’t consumed since I was enlightened. Has he been cheating on his eating?
Who cares if your boyfriend likes to fuck dead pigs, there’s a bigger issue here. My growing suspicions have been confirmed. We have officially entered the apocalypse. Ever since veganism sprouted into popularity, the cult has been largely regarded as a phase and nothing more. But recent cases of innocent people being subjected to the horrible rituals of veganism have resulted not in months of therapy, but with the poor sods emerging as self-righteous prophets of some malevolent hipster entity. Veganism is growing everywhere, and as the sickly malnourished faces spread, I can’t help but shiver as our planet is consumed. I don’t know what demonic tools you creatures use to infect others but they won’t help you break down the walls of my meat fort. Come at me green rangers.
Dear Doctor, I met this cute boy last night and he’s been sending me some raunchy snaps. I’m really excited to respond, but I don’t want to come straight out with everything. I want to tease him first and get him hooked, but I’m not super experienced in the art of nude-mongering. So tell me, before I hit send, how much thigh is too much thigh?
Well, that depends. Are you lifting it high enough to reveal the scar shaped like an ampersand that identifies you as the last known person to have been in contact with the head of a major cocaine distributor operating out of an inconspicuous Kiwibank who was responsible for murdering a local science teacher, who was secretly an informant for the police, resulting in an investigation that was lead astray by a false lead created by your uncle, who at the time was posing as a beggar to escape an underground hand job cult located beneath a certain flat in Wellington, which you had to burn down to conceal the secret identity of the woman you loved, unaware that she was trapped inside, resulting in you having to flee prosecution and obtain a new identity provided by your brother, who then framed that identity for his own long list of public urination charges, forcing you to flee once again until presented with an unfair deal with an old business partner, offering you protection in exchange for your services, which you begrudgingly agree to, later digging up dirt on the bastard and using it to blackmail him into giving you $20,000 in cash, a foot-long pizza sub with barbecue and mayo, and an unregistered flight to Spain departing early 2018? If the answer is yes, then yeah, that’s too much thigh.
Dear Doctor, I live just five minutes away from Pizza Hut, and their $5 flavour menu happens to be quite a tasty bargain. Only problem is now I’ve gone from a pizza a week to four or five a week, because it’s so close, so cheap, and so yum. I’m gaining weight, breaking out, and feeling as shitty as the bathroom floors of Red Square. However, I’m finding this is to be an impossible habit to break, I’ve become rusty at cooking, and every time I go to the supermarket I feel like I could just save time, effort, and money just by popping down to pizza town. How do I handle this addiction?
Pizza Hut’s $5 flavour menu may seem like a blessing, but really it is a cheesy, crispy, curse. Slowly they suck you in until you are just another cog in their delicious machine, buying box after box of mouthwatering pizza, until your body mass becomes 20 per cent grease, at which point you’ll need a bigger empty box, one that goes into the ground. If you are to beat this addiction, you have to get rid of the substance. Pizza Hut is a franchise that nearly died out a while ago, but has managed to get back on its feet. But if it wobbled once, then it can topple given the right amount of pressure in the right areas. Boycotting Pizza Hut isn’t tough, a little bad mouthing reviews here and there, a few discreet calls to Dominoes for support, and a scientific investigation into the effects of Pizza Hut on the human body (with slightly altered results, claiming that it causes leukemia or something) published all over Facebook and plastered all over Pizza Hut joints should do the trick. Rehab will be miserable, bland, difficult, and expensive, but you’ll come out the other end stronger, smarter, and responsible for a few recent bankruptcy and unemployment trends.
Dear Doctor, I have an assignment coming up that requires me to do a case study. I’ve taken an interest in your work, you seem like a very strange and repressed bloke. I would like to learn more about exactly who you are and why you write terrible advice for a student magazine. Would you be keen to meet me for an interview?
I’d rather not if you don’t mind. Last thing I need is another interview, I get enough slander as it is. It’s nice to meet a fan however, and I’m glad you appreciate my ‘terrible advice.’ It emanates from the goodness of my soul, wherever it may be. While I refuse to consort with anyone named Callvyn, I can answer your question as to why I write for a student magazine. First off Callvyn, this isn’t just any student magazine. This is Massive, it’s New Zealand’s largest student magazine, catering tonnes of bullshit like this to three campuses across the country. It’s a nice feeling to be a part of something so involved with the fucked up mind of today’s youth, and I do what’s in my power to lead them astray from socially acceptable morals and ideas. I have no idea if it works, some are extremely stubborn, others are easily swayed. In fact, just the other week I received a complaint from a concerned parent who claimed her daughter had cauterized her taste buds. Anyway back to your assignment. Obviously I’m out of the picture, but I think the next best thing for you, in order to create an interesting and in depth case study, is to perform it on your parents, because anybody who names their child Callvyn is clearly insane and is packing layers of juicy material for you to work with. I’m expecting an A+ with your ridiculous name on it.