Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.
Dear Doctor, I have an assignment due next week and so I decided to pull two all-nighters. I thought it was a good idea at the time to consume as many stimulants as possible. I had a double berocca every half hour, one double espresso every hour, energy drinks at random, caffeine pills, supplements and a fuckton of cheese toasties. It definitely worked and I finished it but it’s been three days since the all-nighters, and I am still perpetually in a heightened state. I cannot sleep, I am consuming copious amounts of food, and there’s a loud buzzing in my right ear canal. What can I do to calm down?
You’re looking at this the wrong way, Hannah. Why wouldn’t you want to be in a never-ending state of heightened awareness? Not only did you get your assignment finished, but you’d probably be able to hit a fly with a bottle flip. If you ask me, being able to sense everything is far better than being half asleep and late to all your lectures. Stay productive, you have the advantage now, so use it. Fuck it, increase the No Doz and do six all-nighters, finish the rest of your degree. Then you have all the time in the world to put that energy towards something more useful, like working day and night shifts to pay off your student debt. Don’t stop there, travel, get married, have kids. At this rate you could have the rest of your whole life in the space of a few months. Which works out quite nicely, seeing as you’ll probably die of a heart attack by then.
Dear Doctor, I don’t remember what I did last night but there was a freaking golden toad happily chilling in my kitchen sink this morning, eating from an open jar of Pic’s Peanut Butter. I’ve gapped it and have decided to spend a few days at my mates place, but what if I get back and it’s still there? I can’t own a frog, what do I do?
I can tell you what you did, based off the following deduction. Firstly we’ll look at what you experienced, and how it’s complete bullshit. Golden toads don’t exist, Gab. They went extinct in 1989. Also nobody ever shares Pic’s Peanut Butter with anyone else. The stuff is liquid gold and there is not a living soul that would be physically capable of sharing it with anyone, let alone a non-existent amphibian. That leads me to believe you are hallucinating, Gab. Your good spelling and grammar rules out all but two substances, and it’s the cold season, meaning ‘shrooms aren’t exactly abundant. That leaves MDMA, but it only lasts three to six hours which leads me to believe that you didn’t take MDMA last night. The only explanation then is that you took it less than three to six hours ago, came home and napped, then woke up thinking it was the next day and you were perfectly alright. You entered the kitchen to find that either you or an absolute asshole of a flatmate has dug into your heavenly Pic’s, and the sheer emotional loss you would have felt at that, combined with the happy pill rush in your system manifested itself in the form of a golden toad. It could be a metaphor or your patronus, but regardless I have a feeling that when you get back the toad will be gone. Unfortunately, so will the Pic’s.
Dear Doctor, This incredibly beautiful girl started working at my job at Subway. She’s perfect in every way, and I desperately want to date her. But there’s no way I can date somebody I work with. I learned that from watching my mate hook her boyfriend up with the same job as her and it ended in tears and unprofessional customer service. Is there anything I can do or will I have to let this beautiful creature go?
Definitely don’t fuck your colleagues, that’s career and relationship suicide, and could even result in someone being forced to eat a live rat (depends on where you work, punishment can vary from establishment to establishment). There’s only one way out here. You have to get her fired. Of course you’d prefer to avoid getting fired yourself, so be discreet. Lucky for you, Discreet is my middle name (one of eight actually, let’s not get into it). Subway is a difficult one since the customer can clearly see you making their food, meaning you can’t put a rat in their sub and pretend it was her. What you can do, however, is report her behaviour to management anonymously. Tell them she screams at customers, gets orders wrong, and that she tried to make you eat a live rat. Who’s management gonna believe? An honest worker and romantic such as yourself, or some weird chick who just started? As long as you keep it anonymous, she won’t suspect a thing, and you can even put yourself in her good books by chatting to her about how unfair management is, and how they accuse the workers of horrible things until they eventually quit and find a much better job that’s not this Subway in particular, before getting into a happy relationship with an honest and romantic lad who is in uh… the culinary business.
Dear Doctor, My girlfriend has taken a recent liking to Doritos. Which wouldn’t be a problem if she didn’t fucking wipe the Dorito dust all over everything. My sheets smell like a Play Station 3 controller, my possessions look like President Trump’s face, and every night it sounds like somebody is throwing their empties into a wood chipper. I’m beginning to think that a wood chipper would be a more pleasant place to live. Please help.
This is a serious problem that you need to take care of now, Flanagan. You know it’ll end up with Thai sweet chilli on your willy, so don’t fuck around with this. Fortunately there is a surefire way to prevent anybody from wanting to touch Doritos again. It’s called oven cleaner. It’s a little known fact that oven cleaner has a serious chemical reaction to Dorito flavouring. It causes severe irritation and burning if the solution is left on for too long. I know it works because my ex once sprayed me with it as I was digging into a family pack of Cheese Supreme. It hurt more than the season finale of The Sopranos. I’m not sure exactly why it reacts, but it’s a good method. To apply it without getting caught you’ll need to be subtle, maybe pretend you’re wiping her hands and face with a rag that’s doused in the stuff, the effect will soon take place and she’ll panic, and you’ll inform her it must be a Dorito allergy. Should work like a charm.
Dear Doctor, The election is coming up, and my friend Dmitri is rooting hardcore for the Greens. He is so passionate about it that he will defend them until threatened with physical violence. However, when somebody attempts to tell him he’s wrong, he pulls out the discrimination card and accuses them of undermining his gender identity. Dmitri is a smart, funny, and great person, but he lets his passion get in the way of logic sometimes. Anyway I’m taking him to my girlfriend’s 21st this Saturday. She’s a massive National supporter, so I’m already anticipating some drama. I need to be prepared, help me out!
– Concerned Conrad
I’ve never liked politics. Three out of five times I hook up, politics will somehow find a way to ruin my night. I do respect Dmitri’s resilience, but it sounds like your geefs 21st may end in heated arguments unless you do something to rein him in. My advice would be for none of you to talk about politics at all, it’s a complete waste of time unless you’re attempting the world record for ‘Most Relationships Ruined In Thirty Minutes’ which is currently held by Alan John Miller. I doubt that’s what you’re going for, so for the rest of the night just forget that the country is in the hands of lunatics and there’s nothing you can do about it, and talk about something more interesting like Dmitri’s gender identity. It’s a great opportunity to educate people about something that has become increasingly relevant to society, rather than arguing about something that has always been there to kill three out of five erections.