Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.
Dear Doctor, I just got back from the mid-semester break to discover my cactus, Sir Pumpernickel, has flopped over, and has gathered flies. I thought cacti just needed lots of sun, and hardly any water to grow big and strong with glorious spines. I don’t know how to save it, please help.
Well Devon, first of all you’re an idiot. How did you expect your cactus to get lots of sun living in Wellington? But don’t fret, Sir Pumpernickel will live on to suffer with his extraordinarily awful name. All you have to do is nurture your cactus properly. A common misconception is that cacti need lots of sun and little water, but the truth is it needs neither of these things. Cacti are very impulsive plants, and have a tendency to defend their emotions. So, in order to make an omelette, you must break a few eggs. Hurl abuse at your cactus, tell it that it is a disgusting shade of green, that it’s nowhere near as curvy as other cacti you’ve seen on the internet, and that it’s a lazy piece of shit that just sits there all day when the least it could do in return for the shelter and protection you have provided it, is to cook a proper goddamn steak right when you come home from a hard day at the office. Eventually, your cactus will be so hurt that it will grow wicked as fuck spines to protect its emotions. These pricks not only look cool, but absorb moisture from the air, so the bigger the prick the wetter it gets, if you catch my drift. If all else fails, you can ferment it into Pulque and have a lit funeral wake.
Dear Doctor, My girlfriend and I both enjoy a bit of wet sex. In fact, neither of us can get off unless we’re shagging in the shower or banging in the bathtub. However we’ve both run into a slight predicament. Last Tuesday, she was riding me in a deluxe bubble bath and due to the water suction, she got herself stuck. We both started panicking and she tried to swivel and get up, which wrenched my penis to the side, bruising it. This of course, caused me intense pain, and did not solve the problem. We ended up having to call the fire department, which was a traumatic experience to say the least. Most of them took it seriously, but I’m certain one or two of them looked a little stiff. Anyway my point is, both of us are too scared to enter the shower or tub together, and we’re desperately horny. What the fuck do we do?
Bruised Bruce and Sexy Sarah.
You have no idea how much I laughed while reading that. Professionally, of course. Having sex underwater is never a good idea. My ex and I tried it once, but fortunately we were interrupted by my great aunt calling me to tell me that she was terminally ill and she was leaving her entire fortune to my older brother (who dim-wittingly calls himself the Mess Professor, what a loser). I may have dodged a bullet in terms of corkscrewing my screw cork, but I know a thing or two about how to get wet and wild without being a fucking moron. Have you heard of water sports, my slippery friend? I’m sure many of our readers stopped at that sentence but this goes out to the two of you. Basically as long as you’re okay with a bit of salt, a yellow tinge, and an ungodly stench, then I suggest you fill up on caffeinated drinks and when nature calls, answer the phone like it’s your great aunt calling you to tell you that she’s terminally ill and she’s leaving her entire fortune to your older brother. In other words, with a lot of moaning and swearing.
Dear Doctor, My swimming relay is next week, and my leg has got a huge rash on it. It’s shaped like the gold coast, and it’s twice as flaky. I think it’s from taking a dip the other night in Tony’s pool. Tony is a bit of a sick bastard and has a tendency to throw cans of lit fly spray into the pool and see the underwater explosion, and also uses it as his disposal for ciggy butts and other horrible used items. I know only an idiot would make a splash in there, but I was so drunk that night. I’m too scared to go to a real doctor, what if they make me wear a cast? I need to get to this relay, but this rash is killing me.
Um excuse me? What the fuck do you mean by a ‘real’ doctor? If you’re not going to take my practice seriously, then you can take that rash and… fuck I don’t know but show some goddamn respect mate. You don’t know how many nights I wasted drinking in med school for this. Anyway, even idiots are entitled to some advice, I guess. Put some ice cream on that foreign abrasion, preferably rum and raisin. Use lots of it, anything to get that horrible substance out of my sight when I’m drunk in New World on Saturday nights, it’s gross, and people who eat it need a goddamn shrink.
Dear Doctor, I have recently had some problems with my bowel movements, the other day i was on the bus with my grandma and a little bit came out. the guy behind me smelt the putrid smell of my log. i was far too embarrassed to let him know it was me… help me i feel bad.
Good one Steven, let me tell you something. Old people have shit bowel movements all the time, so just roll with it. Pretend you’re elderly and nobody will bat an eyelid. You say you take the bus with your grandma? That’s a good start. Pretend you’ve both shared an odd sixty years of deep love together, caress her wrinkly shoulders, place your hand in her dusty lap, stick your tongue between her cracked lips. Go even further, and I promise you, nobody will even notice that you’re currently shitting your pants like a bad little boy.