July 16, 2018
Issue 7 2018
The Unlonely Woman

The Unlonely Woman - Issue 7

Love right? I mean two people or in some cases more, find each other and spend the rest of their life together. How great right? Why the fuck is The Unlonely Woman talking about love instead of her normal dick columns? 

Well… I woke up to see that Ariana Grande is engaged after a few weeks of dating someone. Don’t get me wrong I’m super happy for people who find their soul mate. But it makes me think. I’m 24 and I haven’t dated a single guy who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Like there’s one dude I was seeing, and I would have loved to have seen where it went but hey we found out his ex was pregnant with his kid. So obviously had to call that one quits. Worst thing was he was such a great guy, great at giving head and just like an all round top bloke. But other than that, I can’t think of no one.

I mean hell Ariana is off getting engaged and I’m still sitting on the toilet for 30 minutes after taking a shit. It’s so bad that my legs fall off and I can’t even walk out of the toilet because of pins and needles. She out here getting engaged and shit and I’m out here trying to figure out if I’m gonna masturbate or make breakfast. It’s a lot harder to choose then you think because, well, they both give me pleasure. I have a friend who met the love of her life and we have her wedding next year. I’m still out here sucking a dude’s dick who tells me I’m something special and then a month later we done. I’m out here talking to my freaking cat about what I’m gonna make for dinner and even then, it’s always takeout.

I have friends who are having babies and shit and I’m still debating on whether or not I should do my washing or just turn my g inside out and go for another day. Either that or I go for my back up lacey g that gives me a front wedgy. Hell, I even know people who got engaged and have their whole life planned out (which is great for them) when I can’t even figure out what fucking day it is.

I get it, seeing the people we love finding their own love is great, but it makes me think. It’s like what the fuck am I doing wrong. Hell, I’ve even had my mum say I’m going for the wrong men. I literally go for a different type of guy every time like I don’t purposely pick the wrong men. I’ve even started thinking I have a curse because most men I date find their soulmate right after we stop seeing each other. Like do I have a cursed vagina? Is this actually a thing? I know, I know, I’m being real Debbie downer. But I have great news babes.

I wouldn’t change a fucking thing. Because believe it or not I actually love my life. I love not having to think about anyone else other than my family and friends. I love being able to wake up and not have to text some constantly throughout the day because honestly, I don’t have time for that shit. I love being able to plan my life on my terms. If I want to move to Netherlands or Italy after uni I can. I literally don’t have to think about anyone else apart from my family, friends and myself.

So, my conclusion? Stop comparing your life to others. You will get to where you want to be. We consume ourselves so much by looking at couples on Instagram seeing them be ‘so in love’. It’s really a show for us. I say do what the fuck you want as long and your safe, happy and not hurting anyone then go hard. Is The Unlonely Woman getting soft? Nah boo I just thought we need to start off this semester better than ever because boo you worth it plus the next columns savage so thought I’d start you all off light. If you want to read more like this head to theunlonelywoman.com or give us a cheeky insta follow.