August 13, 2018
Issue 9 2018
The New News

The New News - Entertainment

Celebrities and musicians are great, aren't they? Nothing like a good ole' fashioned bunch of drug-addled advocates of rock and roll influencing the young minds of today, right? That's an exaggeration, obviously, because we here at The New News eat up juicy celeb gossip/music industry drama every day. This week, we are looking at the latest celeb news, as well as upcoming events/shows y'all should hold y our breath for! Eskeettiit, amirite?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, wrestler, athlete, actor, and producer — he does it all. However, the most important aspect of his career often goes unnoticed, namely, how does he keep his head in such great condition? The New News likes to focus on the most important aspects of people, so we interviewed Johnson to find out more about his head polishing and scalp maintenance schedule. "As you can see, it's in pretty good shape," Johnson says as he gently rubs his head, "but if I am being honest with you, it isn't easy to maintain. It takes hard work, but it pays off every time I look in the mirror or see my dome up on screen." We asked Johnson how he maintains it and he said, "A lot of moisturiser, like, A LOT. I also import pumice from New Zealand and the finest sandpaper—directly from Italy. I'm talking sandpaper fine enough to polish asphalt and have it sparkling like my head. And lastly, I have a guy...Dennis, from Turkey. He is great. Knows the ins and outs of the human scalp. He buffs and polishes twice a week. He's great." Following our interview with Johnson, we were left in awe of the commitment he has, to both his career and his captivating cranium.

In other celeb news, there has been an interesting discovery for singer/actress Ariana Grande. It turns out that Grande's birth certificate was incorrectly recorded, meaning that she is actually only 11 years old. Most of her fans are not deterred by this fact, and it has few implications for her illustrious career. It's more of a spanner-in-the-works type realisation, and it may not shock people given her ‘youthful’ appearance. In an interview with People Magazine, Grande said, "I am a bit shocked, but I guess it makes sense. I am excited for my twelfth birthday party and I hope that all of my friends enjoy the cake and goody-bags. Thanks to my fans for their continued support throughout this totally weird time!"     

Last week we caught up with the Kardashians and it will be no surprise to many that they are still dysfunctional.

You may be excited to know that Morgan Freeman and David Attenborough are on track to release their highly anticipated audio book in August. Their project gained huge attention following a sneak preview reaching over 65 billion views on YouTube in just 23 minutes. The audio book contains a collection of the funniest sounding words in the English language. Not only will you hear the words flannel, moist, loofah, and mulch, you will also be treated to an exploration into the lives of two of the mellowest sounding men ever. Additionally, if you pre-purchase the audio book, you will receive a copy of Attenborough and Freeman saying every single word in the dictionary. This means you can entertain your friends and family for hours on end stringing together delightful sounding sentences for the rest of your life!

In music news, Chris Brown is facing charges, on account of him being "unable to release a bad song," according to accusations made over the weekend.  The allegations were made by other Hip-Hop and RnB artists following an analysis of the last 30 songs Brown has released. Mick Jagger commented on the scandal saying, "It's true, C-Breezy can't be stopped. He just produces banger after banger". Brown has chosen not to respond to the claims and is rumoured to be preparing a mix-tape/dance routine for the court date. No doubt that this will blow the judges away. 

Finally, it's been a while since we heard from Justin Bieber. Where is he? We were lucky enough to track him down for an exclusive New News interview and find out what he is up to. Bieber said, "I've just been laying low, really. Trying to just kick-it for a while. Y'all ain't ready for my next project". When asked about his "next project", he had this to say. "Well, I have been absent from the media after all of my drink-driving charges and stuff like that, so I thought I could really come out swinging, ya feel me? Let's just say that during my time off, I have been working hard on figuring out what outrageous stunt I can pull next to stun the world." We asked Bieber if he could give us any hints as to what his next spectacle may be and he said, "I can't tell you too much... But it involves litres and litres of Coors Light, a unicorn onesie, an angry colony of beavers, and the African nation of Wakanda." The New News is very excited for the next Bieber project, and can't wait to catch Bieber fever once again.

That's all we have time for this week, folks. It seems as though the Entertainment Industry never fails to entertain. We hope to see you next time for an in-depth look at the gestation period of a field mouse.