April 29, 2019
Issue 04 2019
Shitmates

“Shit storm”

This all started off with a harmless game of odds. We bet our flatmate, Kyle, that he wouldn’t come to this party we were all going to. He lost, so had to stay home and play Xbox while we all went out on the juice. Being the piss monster that he was, we knew he wouldn’t last long at home.  

So we all went out - lo and behold Kyle turns up a while later. We were like, “What the fuck? How’d you get here bro?”

And he was like, “I took Gareth’s car!”

Gareth was our other, slightly nerdy flatmate, whose car Kyle had now stolen and driven to this party. The funny part was that Gareth was also at this party and dumb fuck Kyle had parked this car, proud as punch, right in front of the house. So we were there for the standard three or four hours at this house party, and when midnight struck we went to town. I managed to escort Gareth out, pointing things out so he wouldn’t notice his blinding obvious car parked outside. Once he was out of earshot, I got up Kyle and was like, “Bro, get that fucking car back to our flat!”

So he drove it back to the flat and ended up mowing through our neighbour’s fence along the way. I was in town with poor unsuspecting Gareth, when Kyle got on the blower to me and told me what had happened.

Jesus Christ.

Our bright idea was to leave it outside the flat and pretend that someone had vandalised it. Of course this was never going to fly, and we arrived back from town to find Gareth’s car sitting there, absolutely fucked. Obviously he went apeshit and started talking about getting the police involved. With Kyle in mind, I managed to talk Gareth out of it. The long and the short of it is that Kyle eventually came clean at an awkward flat meeting the next morning - but this isn’t the end of this ill-fated yarn.

So, the car was a piece of shit and was probably only worth about $800, but Gareth racked up a $1200 bill in damages for Kyle to pay. Kyle didn’t really have a leg to stand on here, so after taking out a loan from his parents he managed to pay it back in full.

So skip forward to the end of the year and Kyle moves out. He comes back a little while later to visit the lads, only to find that Gareth has only repaired some of the damage on his shit box car.

Kyle bars up and asks Gareth where the rest of the money has gone, and Gareth sneers that it’s ‘his money’ now and basically none of Kyle’s business. Me and the other lads thought this was a great opportunity to fuel the fire and tell Kyle that Gareth just blew all the money on fast food. Then we got on the piss that night and after getting back from town, Kyle decided that to spite Gareth, he’d take a shit on his windscreen.

Well.

The next day, in his rush to get to uni, Gareth jumped in his car, oblivious to the vandalism. Unfortunately for him, it was raining. With windscreen wipers on full blast, he took off down the street, smearing human shit all over his windscreen.

I guess this gives ‘shit storm’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?

Think your tale can top this one? Sum up your story in 300-500 words and flick it through to editor@mawsa.org.nz to passively aggressively shame your flatmate in a public forum.