May 27, 2019
Issue 06 2019


In each issue we’ll be taking submissions on the sloppiest, dankest flatmates that lurk in the suburbs surrounding Massey’s campuses. This student came home to find her room in a state of disarray - but not for the reason she initially thought.

Pretty much by this time in the year we knew this flatmate was fucking insane. She made us use power meters in all of our rooms and pay power based on the amount of power we used. Her flat cooking was disgusting. She made dubsmash videos on Instagram. She was an oddball.

Anyway, typical Sunday morning, I get home from my boyfriend’s house and notice my bed is slightly different. Normally I have it all made nicely but it wasn’t - meh, I thought nothing of it. But the reason I came home was because at 6am, my batshit flatmate had sent me a text saying she thought our new flatmate slept in my bed the night before.

So I came home, all guns blazing, wondering why this new random flatmate was sleeping in my bed. Then I go into my room and find my blankets are under my duvet - really weird, never done that before - and then on further inspection I find out everything is wet and disgusting. Originally I thought it was piss, but for some reason was more relieved to find out it was vomit.

Then I got real angry and confronted all the flatmates. Meanwhile Batshit, who originally claimed it was our new flatmate but now, a little under the pump, was wildly proclaiming that it was actually a homeless person who had broken in overnight.

So she starts consoling me being like, “Yeah, I definitely heard someone come in last night and they must have just slept there, vomited and left…” And I was like, “What the fuck? Are you sure it wasn’t you?”

I knew she’d drunk last night and I was pretty certain it was her. But this is the sort of person who cries to her mum over the tiniest problems and just wasn’t good at owning up, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

So I told her I was going to call the police and she backed me all the way. I got through and filed a report, telling the police what happened. The cop asked me to canvas the scene and I was describing it - meanwhile, Batshit was sitting there blatantly shitting herself. Then the cop put me on hold and I could see the flatmate was getting edgy.

So, pretending I was still talking to the cop, said, “Oh, you’re going to take fingerprints? Yep I’ve still got samples of the vomit - what’s that? You can DNA test it? Okay!”

Then the cop came back on the phone, said it definitely wasn’t a break in and hung up on me. Not that I had to tell Batshit that.

8 hours after the discovery, a phone call to the police and a little peer pressure from my other flatmates, she finally came clean. This was - conveniently - after I’d cleaned up the fucking vomit stained sheets.

Told her she was the shittiest human being, made the most of getting everything dry cleaned and left her with the $200 dry cleaning bill. The whole day was like an episode of shit Cluedo.

Think your tale can top this one? Sum up your story in 300-500 words and flick it through to to passively aggressively shame your flatmate in a public forum.