May 13, 2019
Issue 05 2019


Coincidently, this issue is all about the environment, which means that I actually DO get to use the rant I worked on about the climate change protests in March that I teased last week. This means that I get to REDUCE the time I spend on writing this, REUSE old work and RECYCLE old jokes. Perfect.

So jump in your DeLorean, phone-box or hot-tub because we’re going back in time.

The following article contains something that should scare everyone, something that definitely scares adults and someone that should scare any logical person: climate change, the youth and Duncan Garner. I’m going to start with the undoubtedly biggest issue of the three: Duncan Garner.

The student protests against climate change have finally given me a reason to put Duncan on blast, so thank you youths; even if climate change never goes away and remains an issue forever, at least you gave me this.

So, who is Duncan Garner and why do people across New Zealand waste three hours of their lives every day listening to his cretinous thoughts on Channel Three?  He’s a reporter on The AM Show which occupies both radio AND television, whilst also posting opinion pieces onto Newshub.

The whole idea that not only Duncan Garner but politicians like Simon Bridges, Judith Collins and Winston Peters think the protests are just an excuse for students to wag school is an extremely disrespectful one. I think that the youth of today are probably the most intelligent and passionate about worldly issues and current affairs that we’ve ever had; we’ve even had primary school students complaining about plastic bags consumption. There was also that kid who petitioned to get Metallica to come here which was successful - I mean, it’s not banning plastic bags but it’s certainly more than most achieve at 13. That kid definitely made my parents happier than I ever did when I was 13, that’s for sure 

I think it’s a valid point that even if we get to colonise Mars, do we deserve to go and live there? Humanity has already destroyed one planet because of ignorance and selfishness; should we get a second chance? I have sadly come to the opinion that most of society sucks (which is what binge-watching Seinfeld does to a man), so I don’t think everyone should get to go to Mars. I heard Ricky Gervais reference a proverb which was something like "society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade of which they know they will never sit in", which is literally the exact OPPOSITE of what’s going on now. Old people aren’t trying to plant trees for the future, they’re complaining about the children attempting to doing it instead. At this stage, it should be the current youth getting first-class tickets to Mars whist all the naysayers get to stay on the planet they neglected while ‘Fast and the Fifty-ous’ gets released in 2125. Like, people get the choice to reuse shopping bags yet everyone still doesn’t have the self-responsibility to remember to bring them so they keep buying the cheap plastic ones.   

I find it ironic that I am discussing the ‘youth of today’ as a barely twenty-year-old, but realistically students these days are surprisingly motivated and passionate, which not only shows how out of touch Duncan Garner and politicians are for undermining them, but it also shows how most adults feel about us. They have the ol’ Seymour Skinner mindset of “Am I out of touch? No, it’s the children who are wrong.” 

But I love Jeremy Wells and Hillary Barry on Seven Sharp, so what do I know?