April 29, 2019
Issue 04 2019
Negative Nancy

Negative Nancy

This entire article could be summed up in one short sentence; gyms are the worst and should immediately be abandoned by everyone. But read on, we have a lot to dig into here.

We’ve all been thinking it; as we sign up for the first time, fool ourselves into a ‘new me’ narrative and fall for the traps of the New Year’s deals. Deep down, we’ve always known that gyms are terrible.

By ‘we’, I mean you, because I’ve known the truth all along. I never accepted this ludacris norm of tearing yourself away from the comfort of your own home, to pay to spend time in a communal sweat box.

There are literally no positives of this place. Top 40 music blasts from every corner, equipment and personal space has to be shared and toxic comparison is inevitable. You put yourself in pain and get sweaty, and all of this is made excruciatingly obvious for the many other sets of eyes in the room by the mirrors plastered on each wall.

This brings me to the worst gym-related nightmare: the eye contact! It’s unavoidable at every step of the experience - entering the building, during workouts, between workouts, and leaving. For people who have eye contact issues in daily life (how much eye contact do you make with someone you’re approaching; which eye do you focus on in a conversation?), gyms must be living hell.

Ironically, another ludacris norm I will never understand is the use of elevators, for the very reason of unavoidable eye contact. This is one of the few places in my life where I will always choose the more physically demanding option, the stairs. For those of you planning on quitting the gym immediately after finishing this article, this could be a great workout alternative. You’re welcome.

This wouldn’t be a hate rant about gyms if I didn’t mention the categories of people that such a place attracts. Primary offenders include the beasts beaned up on protein powder, who grunt loudly much to everyone else's discomfort; the gals dressed head to toe in Lululemon with token Beats headphones, spending more time taking selfies in the mirror than actually working out. Then there’s the overly competitive fellows, who gladly knock themselves out in the hopes of beating everyone’s records; and on the other end of the spectrum, the avoiders, who are masters of excuses and spend their $5 a week lying on the floor ‘stretching’. I could go on for days.

This argument could be made redundant by my complete lack of interest in looking after my body, and my respect for those that choose to do otherwise. But it was still 100% necessary for me to speak out about how terrible gyms are, because everyone still seems to be trying to hold up a trendy facade of exercise-based optimism, buying into the worst scam our world has seen.

It needs to stop. Immediately.