April 29, 2019
Issue 04 2019
Shower Thoughts

Male Urination Extraction Methods Debunked

Recently, I had an incident, whereby I was late to an important event on campus. This event was starting at 2:00pm. I was rushing towards the lecture theatre and decided that I needed to urinate rather urgently.  At this point, my clock read 1:59pm, and I was only mid-stream. Things were not going well.

I would like to point out at this point, that I am a male. However, I would also like to iterate that this article is certainly not limited to male readers; it is an educational article for all to read.

Anyhow, continuing on with the story. Upon finishing my urination, I hastily tucked away the necessary components and made my way out of the toilet. Upon entry to the lecture theatre, I looked down and noticed a patch of ‘dribble’ on my light blue $15 Kmart shorts. I turned an appropriate shade of red and found my seat. And believe me, this did not go unnoticed.

After the event, I convened with my fellow engineering classmates, and discussed the unavoidable leakage. As engineers, we attempted to solve the problem at hand. A few ideas were pitched on how to overcome the various premature urination finishing issues.

As with most problems, we had to solve the problem whilst keeping constraints in mind. There is one particular constraint that may come as a surprise: once the urination stream finishes, it is considered self-stimulation if the urination member  is ‘shaken’ more than three times (three full vertical oscillations). As a result, we came up with solutions that abided by this constraint. The proposed solutions are detailed below:

- To massage the scrotum (this idea is based on the idea that ‘pee is stored in the balls’) to remove residue urine

- To perform the ‘grip and slide’ manoeuvre on the urination component to remove residue urine

- Apply pressure to the smooth area of skin in the nether region (also known as the ‘gooch’) to remove residue urine

From our group, we nominated candidates to test the aforementioned techniques. Much to my surprise, the last technique trumped all the others. Of course, further testing was performed to make sure that this was the best option. And, as it turns out, it is!

TL;DR: Guys, next time you find yourself in a rushed urination, that mysterious gooch can be a useful tool.

Until Next Time,


Not Your Average Ponderer