October 7, 2019
Issue 12 2019
Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

Massive’s in-house astrologist reveals your spooky fate

Aries

The black cat is considered a symbol of bad luck. If one walks across the path in front of a person, it is believed to be an omen of misfortune and death. Unluckily for you, Pocket will dart in front of you on your way to class. 


Taurus

Your star sign will be your imminent downfall when your final field trip of the year to an artificial bovine breeding facility goes tragically wrong.


Gemini
Your quick-wittedness will get you into trouble on what will be your last night out on Courtenay Place. You will be asked, “What are you looking at?” one final time. 


Cancer

As an emotionally sensitive sign, you read far too much into our reader’s paranormal stories and will die of fright when your drunk flatmate barges into your room at 2am.


Leo

Your organs - especially the heart, gall bladder and penis - are more sensitive during this Aries full moon, therefore surgery is not recommended. You die on the operating table during a penis enlargement surgery. 


Virgo

You misread the section on charging your crystals in this issue’s feature on ‘Ways to Incorporate Witchcraft into Your Daily Life’. You will suffer death by electrocution. 


Libra

The balance you are so well-known for will fail you during a tightrope walking competition. 


Scorpio

As a natural water baby, you should probably stay away from Oriental Bay this month. 


Sagittarius

You were born to explore, Sagittarius! But you should probably stick to the trail. Do you know how expensive it is for the rescue helicopter to recover a body from the bush? 


Capricorn

You are more determined and persistent than the rest of the signs. This doesn’t always work in your favour; stay away from boxing rings.


Aquarius

You never did things by the book, Aquarius. Your name will come up when future students Google ‘weird ways to die’.


Pisces

It’s all fun and games until you say ‘Bloody Mary’ three times in front of the mirror.