May 13, 2019
Issue 05 2019
Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

“Named so for being scarily accurate… or just really bad. Jury’s still out.”

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Trouble adjusting to your sustainable lucky object may lead to a sticky situation in class this month - beware.

Sustainable lucky object: menstrual cup

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

As the most sensitive star sign, you feed off the energy from this issue. You decide to give up toilet paper in a bid to save the planet.

Sustainable lucky object: bamboo toothbrush

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your sustainable lucky object this month hints at a new arrival on the horizon. You might need to get course related costs out to fund this one.

Sustainable lucky object: hemp nappies

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Known for being the most stubborn (bullish?) sign, you find it hard to adjust to the zero waste movement. Just don’t have a kid.

Sustainable lucky object: bamboo dish brush

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

The fog sweeping through the North Island this week is reflected in your mindset, Gemini. Dump your girlfriend to clear this up.

Sustainable lucky object: solid shampoo bar


Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22)

Your passion for the planet is inspiring, but blowing your course-related costs on shares in a hemp start-up isn’t.

Sustainable lucky object: soggy paper straw


Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

As a passionate star sign, it’s understandable you take your conservation efforts seriously - but stop yelling at tourists in Zealandia.

Sustainable lucky object: overpriced keep cup

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Your deep sense of humanity means you are adored by all and susceptible to charities set up outside Countdown.

Sustainable lucky object: reusable makeup wipes

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Balance is usually your strongest characteristic, but too many shots at The Daily this Saturday night will change that.

Sustainable lucky object: crocheted water bomb


Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your lucky object this month is a personification of your most noticeable traits - fun at festivals and hard to get rid of.

Sustainable lucky object: biodegradable glitter


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Maths was never your strongest suit - you fuck up the ratios of the zero waste cocktail recipe and now you have to put all your flatmates in the recovery position.

Sustainable lucky object: string bag

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your obsession with your sustainable lucky object causes people to compare you to Keith from Lunatics.

Sustainable lucky object: mason jar