Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
This month is looking up for you, Aquarius - Jupiter is in direct motion the whole month, which means your YouTube channel might finally take off!
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Venus has entered Pisces! So has your ex.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Your succulent collection has slowly died, along with your passion for botany. You decide to take up cross-stitching instead.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Mercury is in gatorade or something.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
You drunkenly apply for Blind Date and live in fear of your inbox for the next three weeks.
Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22)
You are emotionally driven, which means you often cry on the phone to StudyLink.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
You resemble your star sign, the lion. Not in a majestic, powerful sort of way. More because you have a cleft palate and shit on the lawn.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You completely fuck up your moist vegan banana bread, threatening your status as the second best cook in the flat.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
A boost in serotonin caused by the full moon inspires you to get your mother’s star sign (Cancer) tattooed on your arm. Everyone tells you it looks like a 69.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
A combination of a full moon and your neighbours listening to Macky Gee on repeat means you develop a nervous tic.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
The highlight of your week will be getting accepted into the prestigious horse tipping Facebook page, Boys Get Paid. The lowlight will be getting banned after tipping a donkey in Race 5 at Ellerslie.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Multi-tasking is a work in progress for you, Capricorn. Cooking, drinking red wine and dancing barefoot in the kitchen with your partner will be more stressful than the rom-coms make it seem.