March 11, 2019
Issue 02 2019
Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Stop tagging yourself in your own Instagram photos.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Happy Birthday this month! Your friends will buy you a stale Countdown cake and your classmates will bail on your ‘casual drinks’ at The Cobb.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr)

You will attempt to learn Swedish, but give up and delete the Duolingo app. The Duolingo owl puts a gun to your head in your dreams.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

A bot called ‘Connie’ will try and con you out of $1.25 mil including your dairy farm. You will feel like an ‘old fool.’

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

People will begin to grow weary of you asking them whether they’ve watched the Ted Bundy Tapes or Abducted in Plain Sight on Netflix.

Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22)

Telling yourself $20 of petrol will last the week is just self sabotage.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

You quit vaping and your antidepressants in order to raw dog reality. You last two days before the tremors start.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Your fart in the lecture theatre will not be silent.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

People will compare you to Thibault from Heartbreak Island this week.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

People will compare you to Eden from Heartbreak Island this week.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You decide to apply for apply for love Island NZ.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You will have a cone, eat some hummus on a carrot and listen to a five hour podcast on the Mars rover Opportunity.