Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Stop tagging yourself in your own Instagram photos.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Happy Birthday this month! Your friends will buy you a stale Countdown cake and your classmates will bail on your ‘casual drinks’ at The Cobb.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr)
You will attempt to learn Swedish, but give up and delete the Duolingo app. The Duolingo owl puts a gun to your head in your dreams.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
A bot called ‘Connie’ will try and con you out of $1.25 mil including your dairy farm. You will feel like an ‘old fool.’
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
People will begin to grow weary of you asking them whether they’ve watched the Ted Bundy Tapes or Abducted in Plain Sight on Netflix.
Cancer (Jun 21 – July 22)
Telling yourself $20 of petrol will last the week is just self sabotage.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
You quit vaping and your antidepressants in order to raw dog reality. You last two days before the tremors start.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Your fart in the lecture theatre will not be silent.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
People will compare you to Thibault from Heartbreak Island this week.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
People will compare you to Eden from Heartbreak Island this week.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You decide to apply for apply for love Island NZ.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You will have a cone, eat some hummus on a carrot and listen to a five hour podcast on the Mars rover Opportunity.