Auckland: A great place for your dog to shit

If you ask an Aucklander about their city, you’ll get a mixed bag of answers. About a third of them will tell you that it’s like someone vomited into a bucket of cement and threw it haphazardly over an anthill. Another third will recount stories of how their children have gone through puberty in the duration of time it took to drive them to Rainbow’s End and back. The last third will have a more positive opinion, but they are pretentious liars and/or are in a state of denial. On the contrary, dogs seem to love Auckland. Then again, what dog wouldn’t love a huge box to shit in?

You know what they say about people who live life in the fast lane? Yeah, they don’t live in Auckland. Honestly, from first-hand experience, trying to get anywhere in this city is like putting a condom on for the first time. You try unsuccessfully numerous times but when you finally get it, the ship has already sailed off into the sunset.

For such a big city, it makes sense that there is so much traffic. My guess is it’s because everyone’s trying to get out. But when all of them try to do the same thing at once, like when you attempt to excavate the last remnants of toothpaste from the tube, everyone eventually gives up and goes home (Halitosis or not).

I will admit that I do like some aspects of Auckland. I like that it has buildings and air. Air is always good. But let’s not forget that it is home to some incredibly interesting species of human. Lets take a look at the main inhabitants that navigate this concrete jungle with their heads held high.

Now, as a student who speculates how I will survive on 19 cents and a handful of cornflakes until next Tuesday, it’s probably expected that I have some disdain for the rich. But to be honest, I’m not a jealous person. In fact, I just find them quite fascinating. You know the type. Elegantly dressed, wearing sunglasses while it’s cloudy and carrying a beige leather handbag as they strut down Ponsonby Road, dragging a miniscular white dog behind them. The females are even worse.

It’s quite a spectacle to watch them catwalk through Auckland without cracking a smile or showing any signs of humanity, but hey, at least they know what the most efficient way to travel is, so that must account for some grey matter behind the stony faces.

Aside from the local wildlife, there’s not much to do in Auckland that you can’t do in other cities, except for it’s main attraction. It’s impossible to miss, tourists flock to it, and it sticks out of the ground like proudly displayed genetalia. I’ve had the luxury of visiting the Skytower when I was a wee lad and I must say it’s actually not terrible.

It’s this massive building with endless flights of stairs that are growing dust because no human in their right mind is going to cause themselves such harm from all the exercise. So you take the lift up, and there you’re presented with a full frontal view of Auckland in it’s anticlimactic entirety. The architects have generously provided large glass panels embedded into the floor to enhance the sudden urge to experience spontaneous defecation.

On my second visit, I went straight to the glass and jumped up and down on it as hard as I could, and I have to say that the expressions of a nearby tourist family was priceless. There are even these signs next to the panels saying “these glass panels are just as strong as the concrete, etc etc.” What, was it not as strong before? I feel like there’s an interesting story behind the origin of these assurances.

Anyway, just above that there’s the revolving restaurant. You know that old saying “what goes around comes around?” Well I’m still waiting for someone to buy me a damn shot for once!

Regardless, if you excuse yourself from the table after a lovely meal to go to the toilets, when you return the room has kindly rotated around and you can escape without having to pay the bill. On a student budget, this is a good tip for a free meal.

Of course if Studylink has come through for you in the last few days and you decide to stay, the slowly revolving restaurant will come back into place moments later and you can see that lovely shade of grey out the window that you liked better than the other shades of grey. Magnificent.

I’m curious as to what students do in their spare time in Auckland. Does commuting back and forth from uni to the flat with horribly patched up holes in the walls take up most of their spare time? Do they instead go to the Ferguson Bar, literally next door to university? It’s quite a convenient set up, if you happen to need a tequila shot between classes to get you through finals. Speaking of bars and nightclubs, I’ve heard that Bar101 is very popular with First Years, and I even get exclusive blurry snapchats with no sound from a mate who’s studying up there. I can’t really see anything but I’m positive he’s enjoying himself.

I asked him what on earth would make a student want to move up to Auckland, but then I remembered we were both previously from Hamilton. Suddenly, Auckland didn’t seem so bad.

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